The Myth of the Proverbs 31 Mom

I'm planning to write a post called "How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness."  I'm eminently qualified to write it and I have lots of positive suggestions (and a few warnings, it's true.)  But first, I am going to respond to this blog post, which I read yesterday because another mom with a chronic illness pointed it out and shared her response to it.  Several other mom's chimed in, mostly with illnesses also or with children with special needs.  I chimed in too - three times in a row.  Then I tried to leave a comment on the website.  But in spite of trying to stay very polite (while staying within the 500 character limit) my comment has now been forever lost in "moderation."

That's all right.  The more I thought about this post the more I thought that although moms with chronic illnesses (MWCI) have a special reason to have a beef with her suggestions this author is just generally so far off in her idea of what an "ideal" woman should be and in her approach to "encouraging" other women to live up to the ideal.  I considered just letting it go.  She and I will most likely never agree on any number of topics even though we both "say" we are Christians.  That's allowed.  I don't have to refute every line of reasoning I disagree with on the internet.  And I sure don't need to try to pick fights with other bloggers.

But I could never seriously consider not writing about this because it's such an important issue.  Because as moms we carry around this enormous weight of our own and other people's expectations of us.  Because sometimes this steals the joy of the beautiful moments.  Because I absolutely do not believe that the Bible teaches that we should operate this way or that God would be pleased to see us doing it.

Well, you can read the blog yourself, so I'll try not to spend too much time telling you what it says. I felt that the post started pretty well, actually.  The question of how much of our personal struggles and failings we need to share online is open for discussion, in my opinion.  Although I have already blogged about the benefits of being able to admit to having a really bad day I can also see the advantages of balancing our admissions of less-than-perfect-contentment with reminders (if only for our own encouragement) that some moments are beautiful and sweet.  Sometimes I feel that moms who are getting a good response to the humor of the icky moments leave out the balancing moments and are being entertaining rather than "real."  Some people aren't into that.  That's fair.

On the point of whether or not efficient, energetic moms who keep their houses clean and cook wholesome delicious meals for their families are "real" moms I think that the key is to remember that in this case "real" is being used to mean "genuine."  I know some of these moms IRL.  I've been in their homes and had a cup of tea with them.  I love them.  I love the serenity of their homes and the fact that they take time out to visit with me.  I love it when they let me rest in their homes while they move on to the next task.  I even love it when they are embarrassed that their kids didn't put their dirty clothes in the basket or when they can't help dropping the game they are playing with the kids and starting to organize the toys.  I especially love those moments because those are the times when they are being "real."  When I see that the "got-it-all-together" mom is doing life in the way that makes most sense and feels most comfortable to her and that she still struggles.  These moms have been such a big blessing to me that I almost just rolled this right into the "How to Bless" post.

If only she had left it at that.  But then she decides to apply Biblical "wisdom" in order to "encourage" her readers.  (It's in the comments.  She actually says she wants to encourage people.)  And here comes the Proverbs 31 woman.  Because figures in Wisdom Literature are clearly "real life" individuals who we should try to model our lives after if we "say" we are Christians. (Quote from the post:  "Many of you readers say you are Christians.")

In her defense she does identify characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman that every human being can/should aspire to.  We could probably all stand to be more "Diligent, Kind, Meticulous, Caring, Trustworthy, Dependable, Frugal" and "Wise."  And we might even be happier moms with more cooperative kids and less chaos in our lives if we did.

But then it really comes down to the brass tacks.  What she doesn't like about these flagrantly authentic moms is that they "pout all day and claim that we can’t get our housework done and take care of our kids."  Clearly the Proverbs 31 mom would never do that.  She got up early, made meals for her kids and dressed in beautiful fabrics.  In fact, she looks almost exactly like the mom in this post.  Trust me, you would never find these ladies in their jammies at 4 p.m. "cuddling" on their beds with their kids and trying to write a blog post.  (Actually I'm not really sure when the Proverbs 31 mom wrote her blog posts, but I'm sure she had a designated time after the dishes were done and she had taken time for a hot chocolate date with her husband.  Yes, I'm getting snarky.  Yes, I stalked the website a little.)

The bottom line is that the Proverbs 31 woman does not now and never did in the past actually exist. Wisdom literature.  Proverbs creates "individuals" with characteristics that "wise" people can aspire to.  It's not modeled after some famous woman of olden times who practiced management, agriculture, real estate, international trade.... all while running a ship-shape house and cooking nutritious meals.  It's an illustration.  A tool.  And focusing on the characteristics her actions display might suggest that the same characteristics could have different manifestations for different people.  Requiring someone to take regular showers in order to prove that they are caring just doesn't add up in my book.  (Actually the fact that I sometimes manage to display kindness to others in the relative absence of hot showers is pretty amazing to me.)

If you really wanted to compare the life of a virtuous Old Testament wife to a modern one you would need to consider the fact that she lived in very different social circumstances than moms who generally have access to blogs.  She probably lived with extended family and got lots of help with the kids.  She didn't have to decide what food to make - she prepared what was available.  No one ever told her that her marriage was supposed to be emotionally fulfilling.  Maybe the chick was just a lot less tired and stressed than most moms these days.  BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.  I'll yell again:  I HAVE DIGRESSED.

The point is that sharing the unlovely and frustrating parts of being a parent does not mean that a person is less spiritual.  I would claim that it's a matter of opinion whether this says anything at all about whether they are exhibiting the characteristics displayed in the passage in their everyday lives.  But whether or not any parent keeps their house clean and cooks nutritious meals from scratch for their families?  Using this passage to try to enforce that kind of lifestyle does violence to the passage and is abusive to the people who read it.  Proverbs 31 paints a picture of someone with a full and rich life.  We can all aspire to being as productive and plugged in to our communities as the subject is.  But if we are not - by our own choice or because of the circumstances of our lives - we are not not notnotnotnotnotnot failing IN ANY WAY.

I could dissect the issues with using the Proverbs 31 woman to browbeat tired or discouraged or frustrated moms all day.  But the question is, what did the author of the post expect the reader to take away from her "devotional"?  Here it is, in her own words.  And this is why I could not just let this go:

"I so desire for all of us moms to make the most of this short-time on Earth we call life. We only get to be moms once, and if we mess up, there is no turning back.
I encourage you to read Proverbs 31 and see what a “real Mom” should be."

 Dear, dear friends.  I also hope that you get the most out of life.  Absolutely.  So don't listen to anyone who tells you that parenting is done in one broad stroke and can be messed up irrevocably.  It's just not true.  In my series about being an MK I probably should have pointed out that my parents made changes my senior year in high school so that I wouldn't have to be in the dorm.  They realized that the situation had not been working for me.  They apologized.  They made changes.  They handled the situation differently with my youngest brother than they had with me.  It is possible to turn back.  (Don't want to say they "messed up" but this is a beautiful example of doing it differently when you don't like the way it's going.)

If you want to read Proverbs 31 you should definitely go for it.  But don't feel bad if you decide not to buy a field or plant a vineyard (oh wait, this author doesn't say we need to follow that part of the "instructions.")  I have been following a group of moms online for a while that I find very encouraging.  This is not a "Christian" group, but I love their take on accepting and supporting each other as mothers.  Today is a special day to honor just that goal.  I believe that the Savior who called the short tax collector from a tree and who let the "unclean" prostitute wash his feet would have taken this approach to parenting.  I can just picture him walking into my cluttered living room, somehow finding a spot on the crumb covered carpet, plopping down and having a snuggle with my grouchy, snot filled baby while working on a puzzle with the five-year-old.  That's not in the Bible either, by the way.  I just love the image.

So we can all relax.  This is not The Velveteen Rabbit.  We do not start with bodies full of sawdust and hope that the kisses and traumas of parenting will rub off the shine and leave us with hearts that beat and noses that twitch.  We are all real.  If one mommy's way of keeping her kids safe and fed and tanked up with love includes taking time out to appreciate the humor of the chaotic process, fine.  If another keeps a strict schedule and manages to home school six kids while keeping up with the ironing, fine.  Lets rejoice together and walk beside each other through the hard times and never ever let a Bible passage intended to encourage be used to heap burdens on us.

Some questions people ask when they find out I'm an MK (and the excruciatingly honest answers) Part 1

 
I don't want to write about this.  I avoid thinking about it as much as I can.  But after I wrote a post about being a TCK one of my parent's coworkers sent me a friend request on Facebook and said some kind words about my blog.  Then I was talking to my dad and he mentioned that she has a blog.  So I checked it out. I read what she had to say about her kids growing up as TCKs.  I thought about other friends my age who have taken their families to another country for the purpose of advancing the kingdom.  Mostly, like I usually do (which is why I don't like to think about it) I got a little weepy and a little PTSD-ish.  To try to distract myself from the raw emotion I started mentally composing this blog entry.  As a form of distraction it has so far failed miserably.

The most common question people ask me when they find out that I grew up in another country is:  Did you like it?  And the excruciatingly honest answer is no.  I did not.

Up front I usually blame boarding school which was not a good fit for me.  If the person I'm talking to is not familiar with the Evangelical missions scene I try to give a brief description of the excellent care I got in "family style" dorms and the excellent education I got at a school for Missionary kids.  I'm not trying to run anybody down.  It was just extremely difficult for me to be separated from my parents.  And being cared for by people who did not hold you as a newborn, watch you take your first steps and who will most likely not be at your college graduation or wedding can cause problems.  Lets just call it difficulty communicating - lack of a bond that might otherwise naturally exist.

But thanks to the work of other MKs (Ruth Van Reken is a good example) this type of living situation is much less common these days.  So when I read about my friends taking their kids across borders to that issue is not what tugs at my heart.  The parts of not liking being an MK that I rarely talk about are parts that MKs today still deal with, as far as I can tell. Leaving all the time.  Not growing up near extended family.  The anxiety of making new friends - or the loneliness of not figuring out how.  The discomfort of living someplace hot and crowded and dirty where stepping outside the front door always immediately reminds you that you are not like the people around you.  The strangeness of returning to a place your supposed to be from and not knowing the people or understanding their lives.

It probably sounds shallow.  Especially in light of the fact that the reason we were there was to share the most important message that could possibly be spoken with people who desperately needed to hear it.  But that's the truth.  And the importance of the life was not a comfort to my childhood self.  It was a burden.  I did not choose the sacrifices that made me unhappy.  But asking for them to be removed meant asking my parents to give up a calling from God.  If they made changes that could have made my life easier they would have to sell short their desire to obey the final command that Jesus gave during His time on earth.  So being unhappy felt like being selfish.

I've talked a little about this with parents who are becoming missionaries, but they usually don't say much.  I think that they are thinking "We will do it differently.  We will do better.  Our children are different.  They will be happy.  We've read the books.  We have a plan."

I hope so.  I hope it works.  The intensity of the writing and attention focused on MKs today is probably good.  But it also tells me that this is still a stressful life for children as well as parents.  It's a reality that isn't going to change.  Moving is a stressful life event.  Moving to another country - moving back and forth between countries - is even more stressful.

Another argument that I've heard and that I still make inside my head is that there were benefits to that life that few others have.  The breadth of experience and insight, the relationships that run deep.  The lifelong appreciation of hot running water.  These are not lightly gained and are parts of myself that I would not want to lose.  Please don' t get me wrong.  Some things about the Philippines I love.  I have fond memories both specific and general of my life there.  My life today is richer because of my experiences growing up.

In our discussions when I was growing up and as an adult we also talked about the fact that any choice a parent makes has implications for their children.  Parents who stay close to extended family and work at more conventional jobs may find that their children feel bored and trapped and long for adventure.  And certainly there's a lot being said these days about the dangers of making our whole lives about our kids - the unrealistic ideas this gives them about their relationship with the world. 

But the bottom line for me is that it's an extreme lifestyle choice.  Who knows if I would have been happier if my parents had made a more conventional choice.  Certainly I would not have been happier if I had spent my life knowing that I was the reason they could not do what seemed most important to them.  But I guess that's the question that still lingers in my mind:  Was I less important than those they went to reach?  Was my (possibly fleeting) happiness sacrificed for their (opportunity of) eternal salvation?  Are other children in a similar position?  Can this be changed?

  Other questions:  Did/do you want to be a missionary?  Why would someone do that?  I've probably touched on these.  Hopefully I can cover them in more depth in another post.

Practical Solutions to Parenting Controversies: Shaming

To start with, I realize this title is confusing.  The controversy is shaming, not the solution.  My idea is that this could be a series on my blog:  "Practical Solutions to Parenting Controversies" followed by the specific controversy.  We'll see.  This one is intended to be mostly funny.  Although it's a serious issue and I have a problem with taking myself very seriously.  I mean I tend to do it too much.  Writing clearly is not as easy as it looks.

But the title does kind of make a point.  Shaming would not be OK as a way to deal with other parents when discussing parenting controversies.  Sometimes, though, some people think it's an OK way to help a child learn a valuable lesson.  Like the mom in this article who made her son wear a sign when he got caught smoking pot.  Her argument for doing this is simple.  She wants to convince her son and possibly some other kids that doing pot is not a good idea.  The problem is, that what she is probably convincing them is to be more careful not to get caught.  Plus, the "experts" quoted in the article do not recommend it.  Also this blogger feels that it will do terrible  emotional damage whether done "in real life" or on Facebook or some other digital format.

I think I understand why some parents do it, though.  They are concerned about their children's behavior and are hoping that peer pressure will help them be motivated to make better choices.  I just doubt that it will actually work.

Then there's another type of parenting behavior which might fall into the shaming category - I'm not sure.  That's taking pictures of kids when they are getting in trouble (the famous one of two kids in the same over-sized shirt as a "consequence" for having fought too much) or when they are having a meltdown.  Some bloggers also feel that this is extremely disrespectful to children and is likely to erode the bond of trust between parents and children.  Others, like the "Reasons My Son is Crying" guy have made taking pictures of kids having meltdowns into a form of entertainment.  He argues that showing the child the picture can help resolve the meltdown and that it's OK as long as you are loving and present.  It helps parents deal with the stress of meltdowns to see the humor in it, some would say.  I found a blogger who thinks that taking a picture means that the parent is not present and that it's disrespectful, but I wonder about this.  When I have offered all the understanding and support I can muster my child is often still a sodden, howling wonder and all I can do is stand back and try to hold on to my sanity.  I kind of think that taking a picture is not such a bad option at that time.  I have, in fact, done it.  But I don't usually post these.  I do think it might be a moment that my child might not want the world to see.  Unless they're too young to care.  I don't know.

Personally, I have plenty of opportunities to try to balance the ability to see the humor in the situation with the need to offer support and comfort while helping my child manage his emotions.  Lenny has, just in the past couple of days, cried because:  he discovered that our old broken down rocking chair that has been exiled to the attic is never coming back, he wanted to build a new "structure" out of Legos but would have to take an old one apart first and (extremely loudly this morning) because his dad discovered that he (Lenny) was getting dressed, so the surprise was ruined.  I am, at this very moment, broadcasting these moments of tragedy in my child's life across the internet.  I just hope that one day he will not look with mortification on this evidence that he was once a highly emotional five-year-old.

So there are some grey areas.  I'm not going to be able to clear up this controversy.  But I do have a wonderful, practical solution!  If you really feel that shaming is needed in the world just shame your pets!  It's pretty easy.  All you have to do is write down a description of your pet's bad behavior and take a picture of the sign next to the pet.  If you want you can include some evidence of the bad behavior, but that's really not necessary.  You could, in fact, make something up.  No one will really know.  Then you can post it to Facebook or Instagram or whatever.  No one gets hurt and everyone is entertained.  And if, like me, you don't have pets, feel free to enjoy the pet shaming that other people have graciously provided on the internet.

This is just one example I came up with by doing a quick Google search.  They are not hard to find.  The beauty of this one is that there is a car seat in the background.  Lots of people manage to have pets and children at the same time.  I am not, at this point, one of those people.

Our family discussed this during supper last night.  Lenny is very much hoping to one day get a fish as a pet.  When he does he feels confident that he will find a way to shame it.  Everybody has to have dreams.