The Myth of the Proverbs 31 Mom

I'm planning to write a post called "How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness."  I'm eminently qualified to write it and I have lots of positive suggestions (and a few warnings, it's true.)  But first, I am going to respond to this blog post, which I read yesterday because another mom with a chronic illness pointed it out and shared her response to it.  Several other mom's chimed in, mostly with illnesses also or with children with special needs.  I chimed in too - three times in a row.  Then I tried to leave a comment on the website.  But in spite of trying to stay very polite (while staying within the 500 character limit) my comment has now been forever lost in "moderation."

That's all right.  The more I thought about this post the more I thought that although moms with chronic illnesses (MWCI) have a special reason to have a beef with her suggestions this author is just generally so far off in her idea of what an "ideal" woman should be and in her approach to "encouraging" other women to live up to the ideal.  I considered just letting it go.  She and I will most likely never agree on any number of topics even though we both "say" we are Christians.  That's allowed.  I don't have to refute every line of reasoning I disagree with on the internet.  And I sure don't need to try to pick fights with other bloggers.

But I could never seriously consider not writing about this because it's such an important issue.  Because as moms we carry around this enormous weight of our own and other people's expectations of us.  Because sometimes this steals the joy of the beautiful moments.  Because I absolutely do not believe that the Bible teaches that we should operate this way or that God would be pleased to see us doing it.

Well, you can read the blog yourself, so I'll try not to spend too much time telling you what it says. I felt that the post started pretty well, actually.  The question of how much of our personal struggles and failings we need to share online is open for discussion, in my opinion.  Although I have already blogged about the benefits of being able to admit to having a really bad day I can also see the advantages of balancing our admissions of less-than-perfect-contentment with reminders (if only for our own encouragement) that some moments are beautiful and sweet.  Sometimes I feel that moms who are getting a good response to the humor of the icky moments leave out the balancing moments and are being entertaining rather than "real."  Some people aren't into that.  That's fair.

On the point of whether or not efficient, energetic moms who keep their houses clean and cook wholesome delicious meals for their families are "real" moms I think that the key is to remember that in this case "real" is being used to mean "genuine."  I know some of these moms IRL.  I've been in their homes and had a cup of tea with them.  I love them.  I love the serenity of their homes and the fact that they take time out to visit with me.  I love it when they let me rest in their homes while they move on to the next task.  I even love it when they are embarrassed that their kids didn't put their dirty clothes in the basket or when they can't help dropping the game they are playing with the kids and starting to organize the toys.  I especially love those moments because those are the times when they are being "real."  When I see that the "got-it-all-together" mom is doing life in the way that makes most sense and feels most comfortable to her and that she still struggles.  These moms have been such a big blessing to me that I almost just rolled this right into the "How to Bless" post.

If only she had left it at that.  But then she decides to apply Biblical "wisdom" in order to "encourage" her readers.  (It's in the comments.  She actually says she wants to encourage people.)  And here comes the Proverbs 31 woman.  Because figures in Wisdom Literature are clearly "real life" individuals who we should try to model our lives after if we "say" we are Christians. (Quote from the post:  "Many of you readers say you are Christians.")

In her defense she does identify characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman that every human being can/should aspire to.  We could probably all stand to be more "Diligent, Kind, Meticulous, Caring, Trustworthy, Dependable, Frugal" and "Wise."  And we might even be happier moms with more cooperative kids and less chaos in our lives if we did.

But then it really comes down to the brass tacks.  What she doesn't like about these flagrantly authentic moms is that they "pout all day and claim that we can’t get our housework done and take care of our kids."  Clearly the Proverbs 31 mom would never do that.  She got up early, made meals for her kids and dressed in beautiful fabrics.  In fact, she looks almost exactly like the mom in this post.  Trust me, you would never find these ladies in their jammies at 4 p.m. "cuddling" on their beds with their kids and trying to write a blog post.  (Actually I'm not really sure when the Proverbs 31 mom wrote her blog posts, but I'm sure she had a designated time after the dishes were done and she had taken time for a hot chocolate date with her husband.  Yes, I'm getting snarky.  Yes, I stalked the website a little.)

The bottom line is that the Proverbs 31 woman does not now and never did in the past actually exist. Wisdom literature.  Proverbs creates "individuals" with characteristics that "wise" people can aspire to.  It's not modeled after some famous woman of olden times who practiced management, agriculture, real estate, international trade.... all while running a ship-shape house and cooking nutritious meals.  It's an illustration.  A tool.  And focusing on the characteristics her actions display might suggest that the same characteristics could have different manifestations for different people.  Requiring someone to take regular showers in order to prove that they are caring just doesn't add up in my book.  (Actually the fact that I sometimes manage to display kindness to others in the relative absence of hot showers is pretty amazing to me.)

If you really wanted to compare the life of a virtuous Old Testament wife to a modern one you would need to consider the fact that she lived in very different social circumstances than moms who generally have access to blogs.  She probably lived with extended family and got lots of help with the kids.  She didn't have to decide what food to make - she prepared what was available.  No one ever told her that her marriage was supposed to be emotionally fulfilling.  Maybe the chick was just a lot less tired and stressed than most moms these days.  BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.  I'll yell again:  I HAVE DIGRESSED.

The point is that sharing the unlovely and frustrating parts of being a parent does not mean that a person is less spiritual.  I would claim that it's a matter of opinion whether this says anything at all about whether they are exhibiting the characteristics displayed in the passage in their everyday lives.  But whether or not any parent keeps their house clean and cooks nutritious meals from scratch for their families?  Using this passage to try to enforce that kind of lifestyle does violence to the passage and is abusive to the people who read it.  Proverbs 31 paints a picture of someone with a full and rich life.  We can all aspire to being as productive and plugged in to our communities as the subject is.  But if we are not - by our own choice or because of the circumstances of our lives - we are not not notnotnotnotnotnot failing IN ANY WAY.

I could dissect the issues with using the Proverbs 31 woman to browbeat tired or discouraged or frustrated moms all day.  But the question is, what did the author of the post expect the reader to take away from her "devotional"?  Here it is, in her own words.  And this is why I could not just let this go:

"I so desire for all of us moms to make the most of this short-time on Earth we call life. We only get to be moms once, and if we mess up, there is no turning back.
I encourage you to read Proverbs 31 and see what a “real Mom” should be."

 Dear, dear friends.  I also hope that you get the most out of life.  Absolutely.  So don't listen to anyone who tells you that parenting is done in one broad stroke and can be messed up irrevocably.  It's just not true.  In my series about being an MK I probably should have pointed out that my parents made changes my senior year in high school so that I wouldn't have to be in the dorm.  They realized that the situation had not been working for me.  They apologized.  They made changes.  They handled the situation differently with my youngest brother than they had with me.  It is possible to turn back.  (Don't want to say they "messed up" but this is a beautiful example of doing it differently when you don't like the way it's going.)

If you want to read Proverbs 31 you should definitely go for it.  But don't feel bad if you decide not to buy a field or plant a vineyard (oh wait, this author doesn't say we need to follow that part of the "instructions.")  I have been following a group of moms online for a while that I find very encouraging.  This is not a "Christian" group, but I love their take on accepting and supporting each other as mothers.  Today is a special day to honor just that goal.  I believe that the Savior who called the short tax collector from a tree and who let the "unclean" prostitute wash his feet would have taken this approach to parenting.  I can just picture him walking into my cluttered living room, somehow finding a spot on the crumb covered carpet, plopping down and having a snuggle with my grouchy, snot filled baby while working on a puzzle with the five-year-old.  That's not in the Bible either, by the way.  I just love the image.

So we can all relax.  This is not The Velveteen Rabbit.  We do not start with bodies full of sawdust and hope that the kisses and traumas of parenting will rub off the shine and leave us with hearts that beat and noses that twitch.  We are all real.  If one mommy's way of keeping her kids safe and fed and tanked up with love includes taking time out to appreciate the humor of the chaotic process, fine.  If another keeps a strict schedule and manages to home school six kids while keeping up with the ironing, fine.  Lets rejoice together and walk beside each other through the hard times and never ever let a Bible passage intended to encourage be used to heap burdens on us.

The Culture of Happiness

It's February.  We have had one virus after another sweeping through this house pretty much without stopping since November.  The picture above was taken the other day when the temperatures got above freezing and rain started falling on top of the melting snow.  It's sort of a picture of nothing.  Sometimes winter is really ugly.

And I really want to complain about it.  But if there's one thing I've learned in my life it's that it's not OK to sit around feeling sorry for myself.  I have learned this lesson.  But now I think that I would be better off unlearning it.  Maybe if I would allow myself to give voice to some of my misery I could actually appreciate and experience the joy.

The other day I read this piece that was basically excerpts from travel tips for Russians coming to America.  What struck me about it was the image of the smiling American: 

“US etiquette requires that you smile in each and every situation. If you want to travel to America, be prepared to give a smile not only to friends and acquaintances, but also to all passers-by, in shops, to the staff at the hotel, police on the streets, etc.
"US etiquette also forbids lamenting the troubles of life, or sharing your problems with others. Sharing in this country can only be positive emotions—sorrows and frustrations are impermissible. In the US you only complain to acquaintances in the most extreme cases. Serious problems are for close friends and relatives only.
"However, it would be wrong to believe that the Americans with their smiles only create the illusion of well-being and that their smiles are stretched with false joy. This is not so. Americans: they are a nation that truly feels happy. These people get used to smiling from the cradle onwards, so they do not pretend to be cheerful. The desire for a successful happy life is inculcated from childhood.”

 Wow.  Is this true?  Let me break it down. Compared to some countries we are definitely in-your-face, have-a-good-day, extremely-annoying smiley people.  But without having actually studied the topic in a scientific way I'd guess that people in many countries in Southeast Asia smile more in social situations.  Which is just one reason Americans come back from those countries saying "Everyone  was so friendly!"

Are we allowed to talk about our troubles?  This one is tricky.  I am not very good at figuring out the balance.  I have, you may have noticed, an almost pathological need to tell the truth.  It took me a long time to figure out that when people say "How are you?" the correct, acceptable response is almost always, "Fine!  How are you?"  In fact, it's possible (I have found from experimental evidence) to skip directly to the return "How are you?" without arousing any particular interest in response.  We are allowed to complain about the weather or the annoying roadwork in town.  But really I think the statement above is mostly right.  If you ask me how I'm doing the last thing you are expecting to hear is "Well I'm pretty depressed at the moment but I just started a new medication and I'm pretty hopeful that it will help."

I think that in Evangelical Christian circles this tendency is even more extreme.  We are children of God, right?  How awesome is that?!?!!!!  I mean "In everything give thanks for this is the will of God" right?  We may be a little uncomfortable at the moment, but failing to be thankful for all our blessings?  Not cool.  How does that Sunday School song go?  "I'm so happy, so very happy, I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!"

And how about the last part of the quote from above?  Are we, Americans, actually as happy as our smiling faces would indicate?  Are we faking it?  Somewhere in between, I'd say.  Really, I'd rather live in the Midwest than anywhere in Eastern Europe.  I don't want to sound too ethnocentric.  It's just that I think that stuff like access to healthcare and personal liberty to say nothing of education and fresh vegetables, no matter how flawed it may seem to us, probably increases our chances of being happy.  And our habit of looking "on the bright side" may actually work in our favor.

BUT  You knew that was coming, right?  I'm not trying to pull a fast one here.  The implication from the quote above, in my mind, is that people in Russia have one advantage over any American any day of the week.  They are allowed to have a really crappy day.  And say so.  To anyone who happens to have the audacity to ask them about it.  Also they consume a lot of vodka which is killing them and I wouldn't recommend that, but I would like to propose that we indulge in some authenticity and most of all that we give others the gift of being allowed to have really crappy days.  To acknowledge that our pain and sadness are real.  To stop measuring against the suffering of others and just be in our own sadness for a little while.

A blast from my past:  I have a vivid memory of being in second grade, lined up with my classmates singing,

"Be thankful for the good things that ya got.
Oh be thankful for the good things that ya got.
The good things that ya got are for many just a dream.
So be thankful for the good things that ya got."

This was not a song that was a regular part of the Sunday school song line up.  Our teacher made a point of teaching it to us and having us practice it.  I think that she was trying to make a point.  We were going to school on the outskirts of Manila, in the Philippines.  It was pretty much impossible to go anywhere in that city without seeing people who only dreamed of our lives.  I'm guessing that she got tired of hearing kids complain about having to wait in line for the drinking fountain or not having the right kind of pencil when all around us people were wondering what they were going to feed their kids that night or whether the baby would survive the latest round of diarrhea. 

Within six months prior learning that song I had left the country of my birth and all but four of the people I was related to.  It was the first year I was in boarding school.  (I was one of only a few "dorm kids" in that class.)  So it was the first year I wasn't with my parents on my birthday.  The year I learned to pack my stuff for trips home.  The year I learned what it meant to have a room mate.  I was seven years old.  Or maybe eight.

Don't get me wrong.  I had plenty to be thankful for.   I was getting a first rate education.  Every day when I got home from school someone checked my bag.  Every night someone tucked me into bed.  My days started with a hot breakfast and ended with an evening snack.  In truth my worries were few and my blessings were many.

But the message of the song was clear:  Don't complain.  Don't be ungrateful.  We have decided that enough of your needs are being met.  If this is painful or scary or boring or lonely or confusing to you we don't want to hear about it.  Put on your happy face.  Don't make my life uncomfortable by bringing up the downside of this situation.

I took it to heart.    What I learned was that not having a good day, not being grateful for the blessings in my life (pretty much non-stop) was a character flaw.   It didn't keep me from having times when I felt sad or lonely or confused.  Or even from telling other people about it.  It just meant that while I was doing it I was also a failure.  And when I wasn't having a crappy day I was not so much happy as avoiding failure.  Relieved, at the moment, but not really free to experience the joy.

I'm sure this wasn't the only time I got that message.  It wasn't just that teacher or that year.  It was the culture I was in.  Am still in.  And to be fair, I am that responsible oldest child who tries endlessly to live up to everyone's expectations of me.  I know other people who got the same message and said, (essentially) "screw you, I'm miserable right now and I'm going to let you know it."

I realize as an adult how easy it is to send the message of enforced gratefulness to our children. Since he turned five Lenny has been having the year of unmet needs and desires.  He would like me to be his constant playmate and conversation partner.  But I'm busy and exhausted and rarely manage to read him a story or work on a puzzle with him.  He expresses his frustration by saying "You never play with me!"  Of course I want to defend myself.  I point out the latest walk we took or the time I took him to the library.

But that's not the point.  When I really get it right is when I realize that what he's really saying is that he has needs that he feels are not being met.  It doesn't matter that so many of his needs are met all the time.  It's not about the joy he takes in his little brother or the time his dad spends taking him to music class.  It's about that particular moment feeling lonely and boring and crappy.  When I really get it right I say, "I'm sorry you're having a bad day."  Not "look at how it's good" or "I'm doing my best" (both of which I do also sometimes say) but "I see that this is not what you wish it could be."

So that maybe he can learn that it's not his job to be happy.  It's his job to be real.  It's OK to notice when he is not happy.  It's OK to enjoy the times when he is happy and not worry about the next time someone asks "How are you doing?"  Because he's fine.  Or not.  I hope I can learn that lesson too.  And I hope I survive February.  And I'd like a lot less snot in the house.