Parenting is Cheaper than Therapy

Lessons about victory and defeat are easy to come by these days.

When I was writing about blogging being cheaper than therapy I got to thinking about something else that is cheaper than therapy - keeping a journal.  Which reminded me of a book I read early in my illness called Writing Out the Storm: Reading and Writing Your Way Through Serious Illness or Injury by Barbara Ambercombie.  I remember this book being very helpful early in my illness so I decided to get out my journal from that time and see if I could use it to write a review of the book that would be helpful to other people.

The problem was that when I looked at those old journals it reminded me of a dark and difficult time in my life.  And so many of the entries were emotionally fraught.  I dealt with a lot of depression and loneliness and I poured a lot of mental anguish out on those pages.  When I first looked at them it was hard for me to see how it could have been helpful for me.  It seemed like writing it all down might have been a way to dwell in that dark place rather than helping me find a way out.

But today I found an entry that was much more hopeful.  It's dated June 10, 2006.  I was thinking about activities I did a lot at that time which felt like a waste of time.  I was thinking about what I would rather my life look like.  Here's part of what I wrote:

"Activity - "productive" activity, has become an obligation for me rather than a source of joy or pleasure.  Expressing myself is risky and part of me believes that the purpose of expressing myself is to correct myself.  Not for the joy of knowing who I am, but for the purpose of dealing with emotions, correcting faulty thinking, resolving old grudges, facing old fears, forgiving, remembering, letting go of pain, expressing anger.  These I feel are obligations - tasks I should accomplish because I should continue to grow and mature as a human being.  I have a goal - to become as emotionally healthy as I am capable of being so that my emotional health will not be a detriment to my physical health.  I am trying to be strong mentally so that I can deal with my physical weakness better.  I don't really want to know who I am, I just want to know how to deal with my past in a way that will allow me to view the present realistically, have motivation to do the things I want to do, and courage to face the future.

Many elements of this plan are good, but it has some basic flaws.  I will never have freedom to "do" until I give myself permission to "be."  I will never have motivation until I decide that I actually have the freedom to choose what I want to do.  I will not be able to walk away from anxiety until I find that there is victory in failure and beauty in imperfection.  Healing will come when I begin to believe that it is my right rather than my job.  My needs will become less overwhelming when I give myself permission to have them.  My anger will not be  able to hurt me when I can see it as a source of strength - not something that I need to have power over or that has power over me, not something I need to hide for fear of rejection and not something that everyone but me has a right to.

Becoming whole must be more than finding the parts that are broken and fixing them, more than dumping old baggage and learning to think more realistically.  Becoming whole must involve becoming aware of who I am, being willing to accept that person in the entirety and with no conditions.  Not "putting myself on project status" as Dr. Phil would say, but finding space to breath, coaxing my soul out of its hiding place and giving it ways to express the whole range of what it contains.  Censoring nothing, fixing nothing, manipulating nothing.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that even if I never accomplished anything for the rest of  my life I had at least known peace for one afternoon?  How much energy would I find if I could move by the motivation of my own desires, if I could lay down the weight of obligation and how much strength if I move away from the sting of disapproval?  What if I can learn to express myself for no other reason than to meet my soul's need for expression - not to be heard, but simply to speak - to cry, to laugh, sing, dance, run and fly, to scream and kick and punch, to break and build, to create and destroy, to stretch out, enlarge and reach beyond the limits?  Can I move because I want to and be still because I am ready to allow my soul to expand instead of moving out of obligation and being still because I am holding my soul at bay?

I hope so.  I hope I can find a way to being that balances pleasure and pain.  I want to find ways to move out of the cycles of disapproval and rejection to reject the myth that says that someone else knows better than I do how I should be.  I even want to move beyond believing that I know how I should be or even that I know how to get where I want to be.  I want to stop being so afraid of being lost and instead have the strength to look at where I actually am.  I want to know the relief of being who I am without any apology.  I want to be unfettered to know joy." 

It's interesting to me that becoming a parent has actually help me achieve some of what I was hoping for in this journal entry.  I think that parenting is a form of self expression.  I've heard people say that having a child means that part of your heart is walking around in the world.  I thought when I first heard it that this was overly sentimental, but I realize now that in some ways it's true.  Also,  I think that being a parent has helped me accept myself and learn to deal with my emotions in the following ways:

• It helps me smile every day.  Kids are cute.  They do funny stuff.  It's not hard to smile at them even when  they are exasperating.  Which they are so...
• Learning to deal with anger is an ongoing project.  Has a child ever looked you in the eye, picked a piece of food off of his high chair tray and flung it toward the corner of the room?  Lenny went through a phase where he did this at least once a day.  This is when I learned that it's possible to actually shake with anger.
• Helping little people deal with their emotions has helped me be more accepting of my own.  When I want to insist that my children STOP CRYING I don't because I want them to learn healthy ways to calm themselves.  Helping them through the process gives me more confidence in my own abilities.
• Knowing that I chose to be a parent - even though I didn't really know what I was getting in to - helps me embrace the challenges.
• Carrying on in the face of crazy and overwhelming times has helped me learn to find peace in the midst of chaos.
• Spending my days with my little ones involves actually building, destroying, dancing and exploring the world.
• Celebrating my children's growth and achievements has helped me realize that life is a process.  I feel more confident that I can trust it to produce growth in my life also.
• My children are beautiful and amazing.  Since they came from me looking at them makes it easier for me to believe there must be something lovely about me also.

I'm pretty sure that having children is not the only way to learn these lessons.  I think that being part of a community, doing fun, creative and amazingly difficult tasks can probably help anyone through this process.  For me, that happens to involve being a parent.  I hope that each of my readers, whatever your path, can be immersed life and learn to know joy.

I Am Not Doing Something Wrong

Some times the words we need to hear just fall out of our own mouths.  This has happened to me at least once and when it did it was so powerful that years later the words still echo in my mind.  Maybe these words are some that you need to hear to as we inch toward the end of a long, grueling winter.

I had a little help, actually.  I was sitting in my counselors office.  I was telling him about my relationship with a couple of ladies from church.  I was struggling with these relationships because I needed them so much.  My health was not good and I was particularly isolated.  These ladies were eager to help me.  They wanted me to come to one of their homes and they wanted to pray for me.  I had tried to tell them that I got sicker when I went to that home.  I had tried to tell them that praying was hard and emotionally draining for me because it seemed to me that God's answer was "not yet" (or maybe never in this lifetime) and that was heartbreaking for me.  But these messages were just not getting through.  I thought that maybe I wasn't very good at communicating.  It's not very logical, I guess, but when people don't get my point I tend to assume it's my fault rather than thinking maybe they just aren't listening.

So my counselor, who understood what I was saying very well, asked me this good question:  "If you could tell them one thing, what would it be?" 

And I answered instinctively, without thinking too much (for once), "Just because I'm having a hard time does not mean that I'm doing something wrong."

Just that.  Just because I am having a hard time does not mean you need to solve my problem.  Just because I'm having a hard time does not mean that I need to solve my problem.  Maybe I don't need to change anything I'm doing.  Maybe it's just a hard time.  Maybe what I need is for you to be with me in the hard time so that I am not struggling alone.

Now I get it.  Sometimes we are the authors of our own suffering.  Sometimes we reap what we sow.  And sometimes even if we didn't cause the situation that's making us suffer we can find ways to get through it better.  And sometimes other people can help us do it.

But sometimes not.  Sometimes we are not responsible for our suffering.  And sometimes we are suffering the very best way we can.  Sometimes we need friends who can be with us in the situation.  friends who can wish that our situation were easier while still accepting us.  Friends who know that we are not doing anything wrong.

And sometimes these are "big ticket" items, but most often they are the "everyday" situations that drag us down and can leave us feeling defeated and alone.

So I will write these words for you and also as a reminder for myself:

• If you are in a job that you don't enjoy and are having a hard time getting up in the morning and facing another day with those co-workers... ...it does not mean that you are doing something wrong.
• If you're sweet, funny, smart kids are just about to drive you crazy most of the time, most days....  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If your health has crashed and you can't figure out why or how to fix it...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If your marriage is in a tough place and you are struggling to feel happy and communicate with your spouse...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If depression has settled around you and you can't remember how to smile...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If winter keeps pounding you and you've had one cold after another and you are physically and mentally drained... ...you are not doing something wrong.

I'm not a "little orphan Annie" type of optimist.  I'm not going to claim that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I don't know when the sun will come out, although I have found that it usually does eventually.  All I'm saying is that for now, while we're going through those hard times, we don't need to beat ourselves up by trying to figure out how we're messing up.  And when we walk beside a friend who's in a hard time we don't need to try to figure out how to solve the problem.  Most likely we just need to be with them and let them know that they don't have to make it through alone.  It may feel scary to let go of the instinct to try to control and fix the situation.  But it can be a very powerful gift.  To give and receive the grace of knowing that just because you are having a hard time, it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong.

How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness: Practical Matters

Cooking with Grammy.  If we lived closer Lenny would do this often!

 I shared how being a good listener can be a blessing to a mom with chronic illness (MWCI).  Now I'll give some ideas about practical ways you can help a friend.  This will vary significantly, so this is just the time when being a good listener is important.  Sometimes when people offer to help I feel hesitant to tell them that their first idea or instinct will not work in my specific situation.  So keeping the channels of communication open can be doubly important in helping MWCI.

Just about every MWCI can use practical help at some point.  Most of my ideas fall into categories that could be helpful to any tired mom, but with a few modifications.

Food

 Just about every MWCI I've ever encountered had some kind of special diet requirement.  Most people, after feeling bad for a while and not getting lots of answers from doctors start to explore how the food might be affecting her.  Gluten free, dairy free, low carb, avoiding certain foods because of sensitivities... I'm sure there are other possibilities.  I personally have a pretty long list of common foods I can't/don't eat.  So people who have helped me with food have had to take a creative approach.  Here are a few options:

• Bring food she can feed to the rest of the family.
• Find out what foods she can eat and prepare/buy those foods to bring.  This could include getting some hard-to-find ingredients from your friend.
• Prepare food at her house.  It's still a good idea to check about ingredients and recipes.  At my house you can find foods and ingredients that I don't actually eat but use to feed the rest of the family.
• Get groceries for her.  Considering the special diet issue it's really important to get a list and stick to it exactly.  If the 16 oz package of the store brand is specified but the 32 oz pack of the national brand is on a great sale it's probably best to ignore it and get what's on the list.
• Clean her kitchen for her so that she has an easier time cooking.  In spite of my vigorous defense of us moms who don't keep shiny houses a clean kitchen is such a relief and blessing to me.  Sometimes when I have one I just go out to eat rather than messing it up!  But it also gives me a chance to make that extra batch of muffins or comforting pot of soup I've been thinking of.

Kids

One of my biggest insecurities as a MWCI is my fear that my kids will miss out because of my illness.  So anything that a friend does to help them has the double blessing of giving me a break and setting my mind at ease because I know they are having a fuller life than I can give them on my own.  Basically, anything you do for my kids, you do for me.  Here are some of the ways others have been able to help me:

• Play dates.  I love these.  Sometimes I go along or the other mom comes to my house.  Then we get to visit and I love that because I can only handle so many conversations about cars and using the potty before I need to have an adult conversation.  Other times my son has been able to go without me and then I can take a break or get something else done.  Occasionally I've been able to have one of his friends over and then he gets the fun of a playmate without us having to leave the house.  (Unfortunately, because of my messy house situation I really only feel comfortable hosting play dates in the summer when we can spend time on our shady back deck.)
• Outings.  Like play dates, only not at home.  This includes going to a park, the mall, the library, a museum, the zoo.  I like to go to places I'm not really comfortable at with another mom (or friend) because sometimes I get overwhelmed and it helps to have another set of ears and eyes.  It's also fun for my kids and a big help to me when they are invited along on an outing without me.  (OK, only the oldest has done this so far.)  Some friends have even hung out with my little one for the sole purpose of giving me a break.  Such a blessing.

Odds and Ends
I feel like I'm missing something major here, but I can think of a few seemingly small ways that friends have really blessed me.  These include:

• Helping with driving when I had doctor's appointments.
• Picking up special orders at stores that weren't near my house.
• Helping with laundry.
• Doing errands like taking recycling to the center.

So again, each MWCI is going to have a different situation and need or want help in different ways.  Communication is key.  Hopefully these ideas can help get a conversation going that will allow blessings to flow.

How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness: Listening

 
I've been mentally trying to compose this post since I promised to write it a few days ago and again, I've realized that it's a huge topic.  The question of who these moms with chronic illness (MWCI) are should be addressed at least briefly.  And then I found myself constantly wanting to explain some of the realities of life with chronic illness to my imaginary audience as I juggled pieces of the post. (While trying to deal with the craziness of a sick baby, a sick self and a sick husband.  I guess my brain uses this as a kind of escape valve?)

So, I'm going to start by focusing this post on the best ways to listen to a MWCI because this is a HUGE way that anyone, mom or not, can bless her.  Also because it's not as easy as it sounds to begin with.  I have encountered listeners with a variety of skills and abilities over the years and I realize now I've been keeping a mental catalog of  what the most effective ones have done best.  Listening involves a response, and that's where it gets tricky.

On the point of who MWCI are, I will say that I am most familiar with the circumstances of moms with a variety of "invisible illnesses" such as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, migraines, and depression.  Other than fibro I have experienced all of these personally.  I think that what I am going to share could apply to a wider range of illnesses, though.  Mostly those that have fatigue as one of the major aspects - thyroid problem, heart conditions, digestive disorders, autoimmune conditions and arthritis are a few that come to mind.

All right.  Tips for listening to a MWCI:

Believe her.  This may seem obvious, but it doesn't always happen.  Some of these illnesses are not well understood by the mainstream medical community.  Chances are we have been to several doctors and gotten very little help or information.  Chances are that we have talked to a few doctors who looked at our "normal" test results and cast doubt on the reality of our struggle.  Also, over time we may become champs at putting on a happy face and playing the role of a "normal" healthy person.  So it may be natural for people to be surprised when we share the extent of our struggles.  But we are often very sensitive to any suggestion that what we are saying is exaggerated or untrue.  Even if you are meaning to encourage your friend by telling her that the situation may not be as bad as she thinks the words can sting.  She may feel that you are implying that she doesn't know the reality of her own life or that she's trying to get attention.

I don't want to scare anyone off at the beginning, but sometimes us MWCI have some burns on our psychological skin and need some tender care to help heal them.  Treating the information we share with respect - believing us, asking open-ended questions that allow you to understand the situation better, taking time to listen carefully and clarify if needed - these can all be helpful.  You may want to make a statement like "I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  I'd like to understand better." It may help clarify that you do truly believe but would like to know more.

Remember that she has lots to share besides her experience with illness.  Sometimes the illnesses we deal with have a profound impact on how we live our daily lives.  We may feel that up front we need to share some of these to be understood and "known."  Or we may prefer to get to know someone by sharing other information first and feeling safer in the relationship before we get to the health related stuff.  Possibly you've known this person for a while and are just now learning of her health struggles.  I wish I could give you a formula for when and how much a friend may want to talk about her situation, but it's different for each person.  The key is to be sensitive to the need to talk about other topics - both to relieve the pressure of personal revelation and to give her the gift of a balanced relationship.

Because:  MWCI need friends.  Some may start their health journey with a wide range of social contacts but I find that these illnesses are often isolating.  We are no longer able to join fully in the social scene we once enjoyed.  We may make plans but find we have to cancel.  We find people drawing away from us because they are uncomfortable with the illness or because they don't know how to fit in to the new reality.  We often don't know how to help others fit into either, but we need your friendship so much.  It most likely will need to be a process of trial and error, with much discussion, to find out what will work best.  Adjustments may need to be made in terms of how often, or for how long you spend time together.  Places or ways to communicate may need to be flexible.  Options that have been helpful for me have included:

• Keeping in touch on the internet (this link deals with how people with chronic illness often keep in touch with each other online, but I've also found it helpful for keeping in touch with healthy family members and friends) or by phone.
• Meeting at public locations like church, the library, the mall, restaurants, or outside places like a park.
• Visiting at my house or theirs.

Speaking of church, if you share the faith of your friend with chronic illness please be aware that MWCI have a variety of experiences with their faith.  I think this falls into the "listening" category because it's a topic that may come up in discussions.  My experience with this is pretty much exclusively with Evangelical Christianity, so I'll share what I know about that.  Some find that the promises of  Scripture are comforting and encouraging and are able to cling to them through the "valleys" of poor health.  Others (me included) struggle to understand how this time of struggle fits with a loving, compassionate God.  Sometimes the weight of unanswered prayer can make it hard for us to approach the Father with our needs and concerns.  It can be very hard for MWCI do deal with with statements that imply that if they had more faith or prayed more their situation would be better.  Some have found the assurance that "God does not give us more than we can handle" comforting, but personally I find it to be unsupported in Scripture and a false expectation.  If you discuss matters of faith with your friend you may find that the ideas that are comforting to you fall short for them.  People who have been able to treat this situation with a gentle respect have been a big blessing to me.

It's good to remember that MWCI have usually done a lot of research about their specific condition.  She is probably not sharing with you because she hopes you will be able to provide her with that key piece of information - about a treatment or a diet change - that will put her on the path to health.  We can get a lot of suggestions, even if each person we talk to only gives a few.  We sometimes get a little frustrated by this.

It's helpful to keep the channels of communication open regarding health matters.  Chronic illnesses are not static.  Symptoms may wax and wane, or even go into "remission."   Your friend may not mention her health issues for a while.  It may be encouraging to her to let her know that you are still aware of her situation by asking from time to time how it's going.  Asking when you have the time to listen to the details and offer sympathy and support will let her know that you are genuinely plugged in.

Chances are your friend would like to reciprocate the blessing of being a good listening partner.  You may feel that you don't want to burden your friend with your struggles, but healthy relationships involve give and take.  Some times may work better than others, though, depending on what your friend is dealing with at the moment.  Also, she will likely want to celebrate your joys with you, even if they are blessings she has not experienced lately.

Well, that's about what I've got for communication.  Some time in the near future I will share some ideas about more hands on ways you can help a MWCI.  If you have any resources or relevant sites you would like to share please feel free to leave the links in the comments section.