Mommy Tip Monday: What to Buy for Baby

Linus, using his play mat and a Boppy during tummy time. 

 
This is a list my friend Katelyn posted on Facebook.  As soon as I read it I thought "That should be on a blog - how about mine?" It's personal, factual and fairly concise.  Hopefully if you have a first baby on the way (or know someone who does) it will be helpful.  Katelyn's sweetie has some special needs, which she refers to in her explanations.  But I find that her thoughts here apply to lots of babies.

Maybe I will start having regular "Mommy Tip Monday" posts.  We'll see.  In honor of Katelyn, who has taught me lots about feminism, I should probably call it "Parenting Tip Monday."  Dads can do most of this stuff too (unless we're talking pregnancy or breastfeeding).  But it's not as catchy, so I'll stick with this for now.

I've been noticing an increase in my friend's posting of baby things on Pinterest. I've also read some lists lately of things 'you don't need for a baby' and 'baby must-haves.' I wanted to share some experiences with baby stuff - what we use, what we like, etc.

• Cloth diapers! They are awesome. We use prefolds with covers. Best Bottoms are our favorite brand of covers. Prefer the snaps to the Velcro. The Gerber prefolds big box stores carry have fallen to bits, but I guess we've been using them longer than normal; a typical baby probably would have outgrown them by now. Osocozy's (another brand of prefolds) are fraying a little, but he'll outgrow the size 1 soon (hopefully). We dry pail- wet bag in a trashcan from Target. We do a mix of cloth wipes and regular. I cut up some of Sean's old shirts and keep them in a used wipes container. We tried using an airpot to have warm water for them, but it didn't work very well. Cold wipes for Cutie Pie. Favorite video explaining folding prefolds: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDqa45EOHfE
• Swing - I didn't want to worry about buying and having batteries for a swing so I opted for one with an ac adapter. It was great for the... five or so weeks we used it. Then we found out Cutie Pie couldn't breathe in it when he was asleep. The best part about the swing was its ability to put him to sleep so it lost most of its usefulness. It's a great thing to have though (you know, if your baby can breathe...). Safe place to put baby while you're showering or whatever.
• Whale tub - People say you don't need a special baby tub and I guess you don't. Toss your baby in a sink, hold them in your tub, you could probably wash them in a clean five gallon bucket if you really wanted to, but I love the whale tub. Trying to hold a wet, naked baby with hypotonia in the tub is pretty difficult. With the whale tub, he can't fall to the side or slide down. We give him a bedtime bath every night and just leave the whale in the tub or leaning against the wall in the hallway outside the bathroom. If having a whale hanging around your bathroom would drive you nuts, this isn't for you, but if having baby stuff all over would drive you nuts... babies may not be for you.
• Play mat/gym - One of the great things about play mats is that they are just about the only toy a newborn has a use for. Cutie Pie loves his and would flail around happily before he was able to grab the toys. At 14 months, he still uses it daily, but I don't know how long a typical baby would have a use for it. (Rachel's note:  Since the toys all come off they are useful even after baby starts to be mobile.  Also the rings can be used to attach to other sites like strollers or high chairs to keep toys in reach.)
• Boppy - I've heard these are great for breastfeeding, but I never used it for that so I can't comment. However, it's great for propped up tummy time, supported sitting, and keeping a rolly baby on his tummy.
• Baby food - We make our own. It's quite simple: cook, puree, eat/freeze. We use a food processor to puree. A baby bullet or specialty appliance isn't necessary at all. Once the food is pureed, we freeze it in ice cube trays then pop the food cubes out and into freezer bags. Cutie Pie on his very best day will sometimes eat 2 cubes at a time. I don't know how much a typical baby would be eating/how much freezer space they would require. We like to make a bunch of food at one time and so far it was been really easy.
• Newborn clothes - I would not waste money buying too many newborn outfits. Cutie Pie wore almost exclusively pajamas. We didn't manage to get him in all the newborn outfits we were gifted and he grew incredibly slowly. Some babies are even born too big for the newborn size anyway.
• High chair - We have a standard high chair. I like having it for meals and sticking him in when I'm in the kitchen. If you have no space (we have a dining room), I've seen some neat chair attachments that would probably work well. 
• Bassinet - Cutie Pie sleeps in our room in a pack n' play. We considered using a family heirloom bassinet, but it was rickety and wooden and I was afraid he would hurt himself/it would collapse. Since the packn'play works well and I would want one anyway, I see no need for a bassinet. We use the pack'nplay as a bed when we travel and if your baby is mobile I'm sure it would make a nice safe play to cage them. 
• Breast pump - I exclusively pump. I started with an Ameda, but burned out two motors. I have an awesome Medela hand pump for traveling and now rent a hospital grade Ameda pump. I wish we would have bought it for how much it is costing to rent. At one point I was pumping seven times a day, but am now down to five. Your health insurance will cover a pump, get one (check with insurance on how to do it, you may need a script).
• Bottle feeding supplies - We bought Dr. Brown's, Medelas, and Evenflos. Cutie Pie could only eat with an orthodontic Nuk nipple so the Dr. Brown and Medela bottles were of no use to us. We found plastic bottles took forever to warm up and switched to glass Evenflos. Sean's mom gave us a bottle warmer, but it didn't seem to work at all. We microwaved water in a mug and set the bottle in it. Now he prefers cold milk so we just pour and go. For outings we have a small cooler from the hospital. It came with an ice pak. When we were heating his bottles, we used a hot water thermos from Tommee Tippee (http://www.tommeetippee.us/product/travel-bottle-and-food-warmer/). Cutie Pie was born right as bottle manufacturers were switching to all-in-one systems that weren't interchangeable. The first bottles we bought, for the most part, had interchangeable parts (bottles, rings, nipples), but now Nuk products only match with other Nuks, Evenflos with Evenflos, etc. I would recommend buying one to see if your baby likes it before stockpiling. For washing, we use a bottle brush and dry in regular dish drainer, no bottle drying racks or systems.
• Blankets - Swaddling is pretty easy after a little practice. I've never used any special swaddling devices, I can't see them being worth it. But, please, PLEASE, read about safe sleep and reducing the risk of SIDS. Really, do all the reading you can about baby safety in all areas, car seats, sleep, putting poison away, covering outlets, etc.
• Stroller - Having a car seat stroller combo is great. Pop the car seat into the stroller and go. This has been especially great during polar vortexes. I don't have to worry about carrying him to the car in the wind and snow, he's covered in the car seat. For a typical baby, though, they probably would not fit in an infant car seat after the first year.

Most of the things we have, we didn't buy. Our awesome friends and family gave us tons of stuff as shower presents! They also continue to give Cutie Pie all kinds of presents. Hopefully, this is helpful to someone. Have questions or rationale for why you bought or didn't buy something? Let me know!

Feminism and Faith: Learning to See People as They Are

 Another one came across my Facebook feed today, and I cringed a little, but I clicked on the link:  "23 Qualities of a Woman Worth Dating."  Actually, for the most part I thought it was pretty good.  It's written by a pastor and assumes that readers are looking for someone to date who they will consider marrying.  It stresses faith in God and personal character.  But my question is, why a list that focuses on qualities of women?  Why not just make a list of qualities of a person worth dating?  Finding out what differences this particular blogger thinks are important was not too hard since a link was conveniently provided to "23 Qualities of a Guy Worth Dating."

After a few minutes bouncing back and forth between the two posts I decided I really wanted to know and made my own table with the characteristics side by side.  What I found was interesting to me because I think it points to some of the assumptions we make in the church about how men and woman are different.  I also think it demonstrates some of the ways that those assumptions keep us from relating to people in healthy ways.  First, we tend to make generalizations about people.  Second, we perpetuate negative attitudes toward women.

Over half the items on these two lists, are identical in wording and in the order in which they are listed.  Another three seem to me to be mostly a matter of slightly different wording.  This makes me think that the areas that are different can actually tell us something about the author's attitudes toward gender and gender roles.  And the ideas seem pretty consistent with what one finds in the church and often in the culture in general.

First there are several assumptions about the role of a man in marriage.  His ability to provide, manage finances and protect a woman are all seen as important.  These characteristics are not even mentioned in the list of what to look for in a woman.  Some would argue that scripture teaches that these are the proper roles of men in marriage.  If you are convinced that these roles are spelled out with absolute certainty I am not going to be able to convince you otherwise in this one post.  You might want to check out this whole series of posts by Rachel Held Evans, who sort of specializes in this topic.  But I find that most of my Christian friends allow for some flexibility in these roles.  I know many women who work outside the home.  Most of the women I know are involved in spending, and therefore managing, the family income.  And I have found very few circumstances in which a man is actually called to physically protect his family.  

Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be "kind, modest, and appreciative."  It paints a much more passive and retiring role for women.

In spite of the fact that we have, to some degree, moved away from these roles we still hold them up as an ideal for how we should fulfill our roles in marriage.  This opens us up to valuing ourselves and other people based on how well they measure up to these roles, rather than seeing them for who they truly are and allowing each person to contribute what they are best able to give to the relationship.

The negative attitudes that are displayed toward women are more troubling to me.  The second characteristic to look for in a "guy" is that he is "driven."  In women?  It's that she's "supportive."  It turns out that our society doesn't value "driven" women, and tends to see them as overly aggressive.  This dovetails quite nicely with the "Biblical" role of women as "helpers" and ignores the idea that the word "helper" used in the Bible is often used to describe God as a "helper" or ally of His people -  not someone who is subordinate or weak.  Another one that jumped out at me is the contrast between the statements "He is trustworthy" and "She laughs at your jokes."  Both are characteristics I would value in any human, but contrasted like this it seems that a woman's job is to make a man feel good about himself, rather than have a good character.  Which is further supported by the contrast between "He is willing to work hard to provide" and "She doesn't gossip."  Gossip is not mentioned at all in the list of male characteristics.  Why?  Could it be that we tend to think of women as having this character flaw but men being generally immune from it?

My own marriage is, in some ways, very "traditional."  I am a stay at home mom and my husband provides all of our income.  He handles our savings and makes decisions about his retirement account.  But in many ways we work as a team, with each person contributing as he/she is able.  Yesterday I was feeling sick.  On the verge of getting mastitis.  I needed to rest, but the baby woke up late, crying inconsolably.  I couldn't deal with it and if I didn't get some rest I would be much more likely to face the new day seriously ill.  My sweet husband took the baby, calmed him down and then kept the restlessly sleeping child with him until almost five in the morning so that I could sleep.  It worked.  I am not sick today.  But my husband feels pretty miserable.

So if today we were in a crowded church service and you assumed that the chivalrous thing to do would be to get up and give me a seat (as this blogger encourages men to do) you would be wrong.  My husband would be the one who really needed to sit down.  The ideas that society and the church have promoted for so long about gender would make you blind to the actual situation.  If we are going to really love people we need to really see them.  And if we are going to do that we need to be able to put aside stereotypes and preconceived notions.  And maybe we can just make one list of traits to look for in a future spouse.

Feminism and Sons: An introduction to My Journey

Not the bear with the offending glasses, but one very much like it.

There's no shortage of material on the internet about feminism.  Possibly there's even a glut.  More than any one person could process in a lifetime.  So now I will add my two cents to the conversation.  I'm on a journey and having started the post I realize that I'm not up to a good, systematic presentation right now.  So I'll just let you know where I started and try to give an idea of where I'm at right now.  Maybe I can even throw out a few conclusions that will help it make a little more sense.  Probably I will revisit the topic.

"They" (whoever they are) say that discussions on the internet don't change people's opinions.  Well, maybe I'm weird, or maybe I was headed in that direction anyway, but my ideas about feminism have changed substantially in the past....five years or so and much of what I think now has been influenced by reading blogs, news articles and more blogs.  Mostly I credit an "IRL" who likes to post links on Facebook and pin them on Pinterest.  Don't despair all you "sharers" with a cause.  Sometimes people pay attention.

So if you had asked me five years ago I probably would have said I was not a feminist.  I thought that people should be treated "fairly" and "equally" but I was OK with men and women having different roles.  (Especially in the church because doesn't the Bible say they should?)  I didn't think much about negative ways that gender roles impact society or individuals.  I had never heard of "rape culture."  I felt that valuing personal modesty was a positive way for me, as a woman, to interact with the world and that understanding the concept might help other women.

My views on all of this are different now.  I see feminism as a movement that promotes awareness of ways that gender roles have been used to limit and define people.  Not as an attempt to undermine or reject the value and beauty of motherhood or "traditional" family systems.  Rather it seems to be an attempt to recognize that a "one-size-fits-all" approach to how anyone of any gender should approach life is going to leave some people marginalized - alone and hurt.  Also, I see something about power dynamics.  But not the "women grabbing for power" that I might have assumed to be the driving motivation in the past.  More the "giving men and women the power to make healthy decisions about their own lives" kind of dynamic.  (I think the Bible says something different than I thought it did about this too, but that's a huge topic for another day.)

I'm still figuring lots of this out.  It seems fairly simple from the personal application end, though.  I don't need to go out and get a job to be a feminist.  I don't have to change how I dress or where I go.  I just need to embrace the idea that who we are is not determined by our gender.

But when it comes to interacting with my sons I feel.... confused..... unprepared... unsure of how to proceed.  Now before someone jumps on me for singling out sons I will say that I only have sons.  I can imagine that if I had daughters I would be facing a similar struggle.  But after some thought I have decided that it is important to say that my children are boys because society does send different messages to boys and girls.  They face different pressures.  The cost of personal expression is different for them and the consequences of not learning some of the lessons of feminism could be quite different.

So.  Why am I so confused?  Some examples:

Clothes.  Baby boys wear blue.  Everybody (it seems) wants to know if the baby is a boy or a girl and they want clothes to clearly tell them this.  I go right along with this demand.  I am not ready for my baby or toddler to deal with the confusion of hearing "Oh, she's so beautiful!"  This happened when Lenny was younger.  Even with what I thought were unambiguous clothing choices.  What can I say?  They were right about the beautiful part.

But why do I care?  It would not be bad if he was a girl.  People we happen to meet in public could interact with my babies and toddlers all day long without knowing their gender and it would not make one single ounce of difference - would it?  Should it?  What message am I sending to my boys by making sure their clothes fit the socially expected standards?

When Lenny got a little older he noticed that girls get the best clothes.  More variety.  More sparkles.  Just plain more.  I acknowledged this.  I get frustrated that retailers seem to totally ignore the fact that little boys might want to have some of the "costume" dressing options that little girls have.  But I do not take my little boy into the girl's clothing section and let him pick out items that he likes.  I am not ready to help him navigate that social swamp.  I would be up to my neck in no time.

On a related note:  grooming.  Lenny hates to have his fingernails cut.  He doesn't like the feeling of the exposed skin that was just covered by nail a few moments before.  We've had some epic battles about this, but now he tries to reason with me.  "You have long fingernails, why can't I?"  Sometimes I tell him that it's because he's little and doesn't always keep his hands clean and that germs can easily live under fingernails.  Other times I tell him the truth from a social point of view "Most people feel that it's OK for girls to have long fingernails, but not boys.  I don't know why.  They just like it better that way."

As a kindergartener Lenny is looking for these types of patterns.  He wants to know what defines girls and boys, women and men.  He wants to know how they relate to each other.  He brings home a picture he drew of a girl in his class who he's "falling in love with."  He tells me that he kissed another little boy in his class on the hand.   He says he wishes he could marry his baby brother.

Lenny has been working his way through a book I bought him - tracing letters, numbers, pictures.  He wants to get to the maze section at the back which looks like the most fun but he feels he should do all the other pages first.  He gets to a page with a cute little bear with glasses.  Somehow the picture communicates the fact that the bear is female.  He says, "I don't like this picture."

I ask, "Why not?"
"Because of the glasses," he tells me.
"What's wrong with the glasses?"
"She shouldn't be wearing glasses.  They aren't pretty."
"But Grammy wears glasses," I remind him.  "Isn't she pretty?"
"Yes," he says, struggling to articulate, "but we don't love her in that way."
"In what way?"
"You know..." He's frustrated.  I should get this.  "Because of being pretty."

It went something like that.  I don't remember exactly.  I was tired and just holding up my end of any conversation was work.  But that's a really normal part of parenting for me right now.  Most often I ask questions, try to find out what he's really thinking.  Sometimes I add more information or a different perspective.  This time I did not say, "People with glasses can be pretty."  Or "we should love people because of who they are, not what they look like."  I just let it go.  I hope that these are lessons that he will learn from watching my husband and I.  I know that what we do will be as important as what we say.

Other examples:  toys, activities, attitudes toward aggression.  Nobody has time to read what confuses me about these topics.  At least not all in one post.  

I feel that like most of parenting I'm probably getting some of this wrong.  I feel pretty confident about a few choices we've made as parents.

• Like telling our sons that what Mommy does (staying home to take care of them) is just as important as the "work" that Daddy does (being a professional astronomer and university instructor).  
• We try to accept our sons for who they are and give them opportunities to explore ideas and activities that are interesting to them.  
• We treat each other with respect.  We are a team.  Sometimes one of us takes the lead, sometimes the other one does.  It depends on who knows more about a specific area - or who is stronger at that specific moment - or who is available.  
• We have a motto, "Different people like/do different things."  It applies to preferences (like food), culture, and choices people make relating to gender.  

We have one fast rule that I hope will help my sons be men who can make the world a better place while at the same time making them safer:  If you touch someone and they ask you to stop, you have to stop.  All they have to do is ask.  If someone touches you and you want them to stop, they have to stop.  All you have to do is ask.  No reason or explanation is needed.  Just stop.  It seems to me to be part of the feminist message about respecting others and allowing them to decide what works for them.

It's a work in progress.  Society won't change overnight and I can't figure it all out at once.  I'm listening and thinking and reading, though.  If you have thoughts - constructive suggestions - I'd love to hear them.