Faith Dilemma - Trying to Be Rational

 
As far as I can see there are three logical possibilities for resolving my faith dilemma.  At some point I would love to flesh each of these out - what makes one seem more like the "right" choice than any of the others.  For now I will just list them:

1. I can believe that Christianity is true/correct, but I need to find new ways to think about or interact with it.  What I'm doing now is not working.  It's making me crazy.
2. I can believe that there is a God, but the Christian "version" is not the "correct" one.  This opens up a world of possibilities that I'm too exhausted right now to even really consider.
3. I can believe that the "spiritual world" is a fabrication of the human mind and I don't need to concern myself with it at all.  This option seems simplest but it presents some challenges in relating to important people in my life.

 I'm running on empty right now and I often think that this is a bad time for me to try to figure out what I believe about the entire universe and everything beyond.  But this is just the time when I would like to have a belief system that offers me some kind of solace or encouragement or strength.  Instead, what I find is a bunch of crazy-making questions that I obsess about.  I feel that if I could just resolve them the hurt would go away.  But sometimes I wonder if the pain is driving the questions and if I just got rid of that I would start thinking about all of this in a different way.  Sometimes I think I should just go back to my psychiatrist and say that counseling is great but would she please just give me some drugs!?!  Because I'm sick of feeling this way and they would almost certainly help at least a little.

But these questions of mine are not really new to me.  Some I've been struggling with since childhood and some have come to the forefront since I got sick about a decade ago.  Certainly my spiritual walk has always mirrored my emotional life - full of turmoil and pain.  It seems impossible for me right now to figure out the chicken/egg relationship between the two aspects of my awareness.  It seems to me that my faith offers and even promises a level of peace and joy that I have never been able to attain.  Maybe it's my own sense of personal failure that's driving me to question the whole framework.  Anyhow, I question the value of a faith that I can only grasp if my serotonin levels are high enough.

So for now I will carry on.  Reading, writing, thinking, talking.  For some reason spilling my guts on the internet so you curious, concerned and hopefully compassionate fellow journeyers can follow along and possibly participate.

The "Twoth" Child - Reflections on Having Another

 This was written when I was about six months pregnant with Linus.  I have pretty uncomfortable pregnancies - constant nausea that can only be controlled with medication that worsens my fatigue being my main complaint.  So life changed for Lenny before Linus ever took his first breath.  I can say for sure now that Lenny loves Linus dearly, but what I've written here still seems true to me.

Lenny has asked me twice now if "before this pregnancy" we wanted to have another kid.  The first time I said, "Yes" and he said, "why?" and I said, (without as much conviction as I would have liked) "We thought it would be fun."  "That's right," he said.  "It will."

This morning when he asked the same question and I said "Yes" he said, "That's a good idea because you won't have to play with me.  I'll be able to play with the baby - when he gets to be three."  That's the magic line in Lenny's mind when "the baby" will stop being a helpless, diaper wearing, toy chewing, toothless creature and become a human being he (Lenny) can play with.  In the meantime Lenny is planning to help me change diapers by singing the ABC song to the baby.  He wants to know if I think the baby will like it and I say yes.  Then he starts to recall details of stories he's heard about how he learned to talk and wondering if the baby will do the same things.

At this point in the life of our second child I am deeply convinced of the following:  Having another child so that the first will have a playmate is a BIG mistake.  I don't think that's the reason we decided to do it.  I think that I just had this maternal drive that I wasn't ready to turn off or tamp down and (tick tock) I felt I was running out of time to see if it would just fade away.  I didn't feel that Lenny would be deprived or stunted if he never had a built in playmate or had to learn to share (or defend) his toys 24/7.  I didn't feel that a "normal," "healthy" childhood needed to involve a sibling.

Now I feel, with some confidence, that I could have provided hours - years even - of quality, focused companionship to Lenny with the energy that I am now and in the future sinking into creating and caring for his little brother.  Don't get me wrong.  I know that Lenny will gain advantages from dealing with the challenges and blessings of another person to love, play with and yes, compete with.    But he will get less individual attention and I will NOT have an easier life. 

So if you think having a second (or any other number) child is for the sake of the other child(ren) my (unsolicited) advice is: skip it.  Take the child you have to the zoo, museum, science center, park, library.  Read him/her another story.  Play a game of "Sorry."  Sing that song that will get stuck in your head for three days and listen to that squeaky little voice sing along.  Do it all without heart burn, constipation, swollen feet and an overwhelming, constant sense of exhaustion that all combine to almost completely block out the sense of well-being you fleetingly remember achieving at other points in life.  Just enjoy what you have and don't feel any obligation to change it.

Don't get me wrong.  If you want to have another child - if you feel there is a place in your arms and hearts and lives for a second (or any other number) child I would also say: go for it.  Of course it's still true that hard things are worth doing.  That all the funny, amazing, joyful moments we've had over the past (almost) five years would have never happened without similar moments of frustration, exhaustion and anxiety when Lenny was still on the inside.  That this new little person will add dimensions of love and joy to our lives that we can only imagine now.  This child does not have to stack up to some kind of "worth it" criteria.  It's not his job to make our lives richer or more entertaining or help us learn patience or become better human beings.  But he will.  We will.  Some part of my stomach-acid-seared soul knows this.  Some part of my exhaustion soaked brain gets it.    But not the part that would like to take Lenny to the zoo, or swimming, or at least help him clean up the living room.

 photo credit: Wilson X via photopin cc

Faith and the Vacuum: An Unguarded Moment of Pain

 I wrote this yesterday but didn't post it because it was so raw and I felt so shattered.  After seeing my therapist today I'm feeling a little more hopeful but still pretty vulnerable.  As much as I'd like to feel "special" though, I know I'm not the only one who has, is, or will be in this place.

I knew I shouldn't read this post by Sarah Bessey.  I skipped over the link a couple of times on my Facebook and Twitter feeds.  She's a very talented writer who often moves me to tears.  Plus, the post was about sadness, which I am trying to avoid thinking too deeply about just now.

But then I saw it one more time on Twitter and clicked through.  Of course it was good and much of it resonated with me.  Although I didn't grow up in a "Charismatic" environment I can still relate to the need in Christian circles to come across as joyful - overcomers, those who are richly blessed by God.  When she talked about those who felt like failures - who felt shame because they didn't measure up - I felt validated by her words.

I wasn't good at pushing my sadness to the side. I often felt that if I could just push a little harder - read more scripture, pray more, believe better - I would step out of the shade of my own sadness and into the joy that God intended for me.  If I needed to place blame I always placed it at my own door.

But then I read these words and the tears that had been gathering in my eyes spilled out:

"I am still charismatic, I still believe in signs and wonders, I still believe that God is for us and that we were meant for shalom."

 I still believe.   And the first thought that scudded through my head was "I don't believe."  And it hurt like a knife in my chest.  It hurts like that.  Actual physical pain.

I hope it's not true.  I hope it's like other "intrusive thoughts" that I've been having lately that I assume will vanish when the depression lifts.  I don't want it to be true that I don't know how to believe something that has been at the core of who I am for my entire life.  I don't feel able to walk through that door.  But I don't know how to stay where I am now.

I can remember when my faith was a balm to my struggling, hurting heart.  I remember standing in worship with fellow believers and being filled with joy and a sense of the rightness of it all.  I thought and felt and even said, "This is what we were created to do.  This is why I exist."

But now when I join the body of Christ and listen to the music and look at the words on the screen and try to sing I feel blankness or pain.  When I try to picture, as I could in the past, the loving arms of a strong, sure heavenly Father I feel a vacuum and reach instead for the wiggly, solid body of my baby.  I know at least that my love for him and his need for me are real.  They comfort me and calm my fears that the pain will break my mind.

It's true that I have so many questions.  I want to make sense of what the Bible says and how Christians behave.  But I fear that some mystical, spiritual element of belief - some desire or need or ability that I cannot name - has left me.  Maybe there are no answers left for me and I should just accept the peace of not knowing or even asking.

I was brought up to have answers for people who needed to believe.  If reason fails, look to experience.  If experience fails, look to reason.  If they both fail I have no answers.  I just have to pick Lenny up from school and put chocolate frosting and rainbow sprinkles on sugar cookies.

Blow your nose.  Dry your eyes.  Choose the joy you can find in life.  Live the life you have.  This I can grasp.  I think.

Being a Mom Means Keeping them Safe. Or At Least Knowing All the Risks. Right?

 It's Mother's Day.  I think about being a mother quite often.  I do it all the time.  But what can I say about it?  It's possible that everything that can be said about motherhood has been said somewhere on the internet. It's tiring, overwhelming, fulfilling, joyful, meaningful, identity changing, fun, boring, hard. These days it's over-thought, over-discussed, over-done and just generally over-the-top.

And yet we are still somehow always lacking in the support, connections, sleep and downtime that we need. Talking to other moms and reading scads of "mommy blogs" makes me think that the one word that universally describes motherhood is "intense."

My granny says that "Moms these days have it so easy." Between our convenience foods and our electric dryers and portable DVD players we sure do have some advantages over moms 50 (or so) years ago. But we've replaced the physical labor with a kind of fevered anxiety about how to keep our children safe and get them to adulthood in the best shape possible that leaves us weary before we even start.

Lots of people blame "mompetition" but I blame the hospital. Well, at least I think it starts at the hospital. I remember pretty well how it went with Linus since he was just born ten months ago. Before we even managed to get him home we had been informed of a bevy of ways we could kill or harm our child - really. DON'T let him sleep on his tummy (and never ever sleep in the same bed with your baby). That could kill him. DON'T shake him. That could kill him. Make sure he's getting enough breast milk so that he doesn't get dehydrated - and die. Put him in a car seat when you leave or when you have a wreck on the way home he will die. Make an appointment with his pediatrician because if he doesn't get weighed at least every thirty minutes he could waste away and... die.

And then all the little stuff that for some reason stuck in my head. You know those little blue snot sucker things they give you? Be careful with those you could irritate the lining of his nose. Put something over his hands, he's scratching himself. Use the right kind of ointment on those sore tender nipples so you don't make the baby sick (sorry, nobody said or even implied he would die this time.) Congratulations - he can hear and is not abnormally jaundiced. You can go home now - have fun!

From there on out it's easier to dodge spit up than information about ways babies and children can be harmed. Jammies too loose? Dangerous in case of fire. Pesticides in their foods? Just sounds bad. Do you have an older home? Could there be lead in your paint? Did you know that baby gates, slides at playgrounds and shopping carts can all lead to injuries? Hotdogs are so dangerous that it has been suggested that they be redesigned to prevent choking. Letting babies sleep in car seats (when not actually driving) can make it hard for them to breath. Too much time in swings and seats in general can keep them from developing their neck and shoulder muscles properly. Disposable diapers could be keeping their reproductive organs too warm and making our boys less likely to be fertile as adults.  Noise machines might help babies sleep better, but they could also be harming baby's hearing.   Screen time is a handy way to keep them from getting electrocuted by power outlets or drinking cleaning fluid but never let them have it until they're at least two years old and then only very occasionally because it will hurt their brains.

I'd provide links for all this information but chances are that your browser has a handy little search bar at the top. This information is harder NOT to find than to find. (The links I do have?  All from Pinterest boards of mine.  Yeah, I collect this information just in case I ever start to relax)  And it's all true. Or at least has some anchor in reality. For every one of the above pieces of information a heartbroken or at least wiser and more careful parent has a story about how the actual danger was visited on them and their child.

 So if the term "helicopter parent" is used with derision and we are told that letting our children take more risks would help them be more confident and responsible you'll just have to bear with us.  Because really I've just scratched the surface here in terms of potential dangers we need to protect our children from.  I mean I haven't even mentioned UV rays and trying to find a sunscreen that won't fill their bodies with toxic chemicals.  And what about finding a baby carrier that won't cause hip problems?  See, there's LOTS more.  And we haven't even gotten to the preschool years yet.

In the shade, wearing a hat and a shirt.  I skipped sun screen this time.

So do modern mothers have it easy?  Well.... sort of.  I'm currently letting my baby chew on a plastic (gasp!) kid's meal (gasp!) toy that was definitely not intended for children under three years old (gasp!) because it's the one thing that caught his interest so that I could ruminate for a few minutes on the over-the-top pressure we've created by sharing all this information about ways we can avoid risks and keep our children safe. 

I know that I can never keep them completely safe.  It makes sense to me to be informed about simple changes I can make to increase the chances that they will be safe and healthy(er).  But sometimes I wouldn't mind if we could go back to the days when the youngest child stood on the center front seat in the car and parents threw their arms out protectively when they had to suddenly apply the brakes!  I wish I knew how to turn down the volume on all the constant information about how are children are at risk and what we should do to protect them.

What's your take?  How do you find peace in the midst of all the precautions?

Important But Also Ironic: Kidnapped Nigerian Girls

 The amount of time it took for the media to pay attention to the story about the kidnapped Nigerian girls had some people crying racism.  I think it had something to do with that and something to do with the fact that most of us are overwhelmed by the stories of violence and abuse coming out of Africa.  And the story's hard to relate to.

Why did we see SO much coverage of the missing plane and so little of this story?  After all, we are fairly certain these girls are alive and can be helped.  Well most of us have been on a plane at some point in our lives.  Maybe we've even thought "What if this hunk of metal just fell from the sky?"  Personally, I've been on a plane that had to make an emergency landing because the cockpit was on fire.  Since I was ten years old at the time I found it exciting to put on an oxygen mask and review the seat back brochure on how to use the inflatable exit ramp (which we didn't get to use).  So I know that the improbable achievement of hurtling through the air in a tin can is not without its risks.

But most of us don't entertain even the slightest thought that hundreds of our children might be removed from a public place in broad daylight.  Even I, who also had classmates and teachers who were victims of kidnappings as a child (really, sometimes my own life sounds remarkably unlikely), have a hard time making this scenario seem real.  And what on earth do we do about it?  Who do we send?  How do we keep the perpetrators from turning around and doing exactly the same thing next week?  At least with the plane we could put pressure on the "powers-that-be" and make sure that the search was done with the utmost expediency and thoroughness.

So we, here in our safe comfortable homes in America do what we can.  We talk about it on social media.  Which led to this ironic juxtaposition on my Twitter feed today.

Artist @emilymcdowell_ created this powerful image w/ the names of the 177 missing Nigerian girls #BringBackOurGirls pic.twitter.com/k33YGoLbqe
— HuffPost Parents (@HuffPostParents) May 8, 2014

Just sayin. pic.twitter.com/oa1abwNpdj

— Ben Howe (@BenHowe) May 8, 2014

It's kind of a mystery to me how hashtags really do work, but I guess in this case it's a question of bringing attention to a real and serious problem.  So we feel like we did something and hope, in our usual helpless way, that someone somewhere can make a real difference.

As usual I do not have a satisfying conclusion.  

Sons, Feminism and Disney Princesses

photo credit: octaviosn via photopin   

I said I'd write a post about Disney princesses and feminism and I should probably just do it before the thought leaves my head.  It may not be as well fleshed out as I'd like but that's life.

I've written before that I'm not sure how to help my boys develop a healthy sense of themselves and others given all the messages they get from media, marketing and society in general about what girls and boys are supposed to do and like.  For a while it was feeling like a lost cause with Lenny who, at age five is really into rules and definitions.  Even a much less observant child would have noticed the pink and purple aisles full of dolls and dress up clothes.  "We don't want to go there, that's girl stuff."

"I didn't play with them, they were playing girl games."

"Why were they girl games?"

"Oh, you know...."

Usually it had to do with sparkles and rainbows and such.

But lately his best friend at school is a girl I'll call Emma.  I noticed at Valentine's Day when he came home with this picture of them together.   Then he started bringing home papers with her phone number written in her own kindergarten hand on pieces of school paper.  They NEEDED to set up a play date.  Finally we worked out the details and they've had two so far.

But the part that has to do with Disney princesses started at school during recess.  Lenny announced one night at supper that they had played "mermaid" during recess that day.  Then he described being a pirate and defending the climbing structure against some other boys who were "Autobots."  I said, "How did the mermaid come into it?"

"Very well."

"I mean when did the mermaid come into the game?"

"At the beginning."

It turned out, naturally, that his friend Emma was the mermaid and that sometimes Lenny was a pirate and sometimes he was a person and sometimes he was a mermaid.  I didn't figure out that the game was based on Disney's "Little Mermaid" until later that week when they were playing together and I heard her mention Arial.

So since Lenny seemed a little confused about what was really going on in this game we sat down and watched the movie together.  We have an old VHS copy (along with the equipment required to play it) which Lenny's dad had before I met him.  I'm not actually sure what the story is behind that one.  Anyways....

Lenny liked the movie, other than the part where I went to answer the phone (we have a land line - coming soon: a post about how comfortable I am here under this rock) and Linus started crying and Lenny couldn't leave because the movie was still playing and he didn't want to miss it.  His favorite parts were the kissing part and the part where the animals "attacked" to stop the wedding.  I think by the kissing part he meant the "Kiss the Girl" song.

This turned out to be less of a big deal on the play ground than I would have thought.  When I asked, the next day, if he'd told Emma that he watched the movie he said he didn't get a chance. ("She talks a lot.")  They have continued to play the game, but Lenny doesn't seem to feel any differently about it.

So my point is that it turned out that all the messages these two have gotten about what boys and girls are supposed to be like have not gotten in the way of them being friends.  And they managed to adapt at least one Disney princess movie into a game that is fun for both of them and some other kids in their class.

Is it important that Arial has an overprotective father and doesn't even seem to have a mother?  Or that the "evil villain" in the movie is female?  Or that the ultimate goal that this princess can find - other than walking around on dry land - is to get married?  Probably eventually it will.  But at the moment they don't seem to see this particular story as something they should expect to find in the "real world."  Emma says she isn't going to get married  - ever.  (She discovered some details of having babies and decided she never wants to do that.)  Lenny says she'll change her mind when she gets bigger. 

Disney princesses are notorious for portraying young women as powerless and in need of husbands.  They even generally use illustrations that are so uniformly "pretty" - soft and clean and thin and pastel colored - that it's a wonder that any of us end up having any hope of being attractive.  At the same time being attractive is clearly set up as one of the most important jobs a girl has.

But at least at this point, for these two kindergarteners, the story is as much a part of their pretend play world as talking cars that save the world.  And the fact that Arial needs the prince to fall in love with her and kiss her to avoid life as a strangely contorted sea plant does not seem to give Lenny a particularly powerful position in the game even though he is the obvious choice for the prince.

So hopefully they will continue to approach the messages they get from movies and even from the world in general through the lens of their own personalities.  And maybe the messages they are getting at home about people being allowed to choose what they like and do and to be who they authentically are will be louder than the messages they get everywhere about conforming to rigid stereotypes.  I hope so.

I Don't Always Have Superpowers

I said I would write about Disney princesses and feminism but I'm typing with one hand while holding the baby.  I'd rather rest while holding a sleeping baby than put him down, wait 20 minutes and then deal with an awake-but-cranky-because-he-didn't-get-enough-sleep baby.  I do this a lot.  I tell myself that it's OK because I need the rest anyway.  I tell myself that other moms do this and some who can't have babies who only take half hour naps and are cranky most of the time.  (I'd provide evidence of this, but my examples come from a "secret" Facebook group and I don't want to violate anyone's privacy.) 

Most of all, I tell myself that I don't need to rationalize or defend my choices because the biggest favor I can do myself is to do what works for our family and try to be comfortable with the results.  

But lets be honest.  Sometimes I don't listen to my own great advice.  Sometimes my plans and efforts work out great and I feel like I have superpowers.  I had this idea, for example, about how to get a hot shower when it was just me and Linus at home.  I don't like to leave him in a room by himself.  I know, people do it, but I'm not people, I'm me, and it makes me uncomfortable.  He tends to cry - either because he's not used to it or because, like Lenny before him, he's shaping up to be a rip-roaring extrovert (heaven help us).

So this is what I did:

Which worked really well until this happened:

Which wasn't the end of the world since his fingers didn't get caught or injured or anything.

And I did get my hot shower while the baby played contentedly.  Hooray for me.

(Exclamation point.  Smiley face.  I'm just not in the mood.)

Pretty much the next thing I did was check in with social media.  Still riding high on my he-doesn't-need-my-full-attention-all-the-time success story I sat the baby on the chair by the computer and turned my back.

 

I probably could have thought that through a little better.  But hey, impromptu sensory play.

I've been reading a lot of blogs and I see it all the time on "mommy blogs."  We swing between hopefully making lists of suggestions for how to handle this crazy life a little better and admissions that it's often all we can do to keep the wheels from flying off as we drive down the highway at a gazillion miles an hour.  Some days we are ready to take over the world, reorganize our kitchen cabinets and teach our kids to clean their own rooms.  Other times we just hope we can find enough chocolate caffeine or alcohol to keep us from finally indulging in that fifteen minute scream fest that's been lurking at the tip of our brains for the last three days.

I don't have any great solution.  I don't know how to make the pendulum stop swinging at some nicely balanced taking-the-kids-to-play-at-the-park-and-not-worrying-if-I-feed-them-frozen-pizza point.  I'm just wanting to remind myself that I don't always have superpowers and I don't have to.  I'll just grab some chocolate as I head out the door get pick Lenny up from school and hope that I manage to wing it one more time.