Parenting is Cheaper than Therapy

Lessons about victory and defeat are easy to come by these days.

When I was writing about blogging being cheaper than therapy I got to thinking about something else that is cheaper than therapy - keeping a journal.  Which reminded me of a book I read early in my illness called Writing Out the Storm: Reading and Writing Your Way Through Serious Illness or Injury by Barbara Ambercombie.  I remember this book being very helpful early in my illness so I decided to get out my journal from that time and see if I could use it to write a review of the book that would be helpful to other people.

The problem was that when I looked at those old journals it reminded me of a dark and difficult time in my life.  And so many of the entries were emotionally fraught.  I dealt with a lot of depression and loneliness and I poured a lot of mental anguish out on those pages.  When I first looked at them it was hard for me to see how it could have been helpful for me.  It seemed like writing it all down might have been a way to dwell in that dark place rather than helping me find a way out.

But today I found an entry that was much more hopeful.  It's dated June 10, 2006.  I was thinking about activities I did a lot at that time which felt like a waste of time.  I was thinking about what I would rather my life look like.  Here's part of what I wrote:

"Activity - "productive" activity, has become an obligation for me rather than a source of joy or pleasure.  Expressing myself is risky and part of me believes that the purpose of expressing myself is to correct myself.  Not for the joy of knowing who I am, but for the purpose of dealing with emotions, correcting faulty thinking, resolving old grudges, facing old fears, forgiving, remembering, letting go of pain, expressing anger.  These I feel are obligations - tasks I should accomplish because I should continue to grow and mature as a human being.  I have a goal - to become as emotionally healthy as I am capable of being so that my emotional health will not be a detriment to my physical health.  I am trying to be strong mentally so that I can deal with my physical weakness better.  I don't really want to know who I am, I just want to know how to deal with my past in a way that will allow me to view the present realistically, have motivation to do the things I want to do, and courage to face the future.

Many elements of this plan are good, but it has some basic flaws.  I will never have freedom to "do" until I give myself permission to "be."  I will never have motivation until I decide that I actually have the freedom to choose what I want to do.  I will not be able to walk away from anxiety until I find that there is victory in failure and beauty in imperfection.  Healing will come when I begin to believe that it is my right rather than my job.  My needs will become less overwhelming when I give myself permission to have them.  My anger will not be  able to hurt me when I can see it as a source of strength - not something that I need to have power over or that has power over me, not something I need to hide for fear of rejection and not something that everyone but me has a right to.

Becoming whole must be more than finding the parts that are broken and fixing them, more than dumping old baggage and learning to think more realistically.  Becoming whole must involve becoming aware of who I am, being willing to accept that person in the entirety and with no conditions.  Not "putting myself on project status" as Dr. Phil would say, but finding space to breath, coaxing my soul out of its hiding place and giving it ways to express the whole range of what it contains.  Censoring nothing, fixing nothing, manipulating nothing.  Wouldn't it be wonderful to know that even if I never accomplished anything for the rest of  my life I had at least known peace for one afternoon?  How much energy would I find if I could move by the motivation of my own desires, if I could lay down the weight of obligation and how much strength if I move away from the sting of disapproval?  What if I can learn to express myself for no other reason than to meet my soul's need for expression - not to be heard, but simply to speak - to cry, to laugh, sing, dance, run and fly, to scream and kick and punch, to break and build, to create and destroy, to stretch out, enlarge and reach beyond the limits?  Can I move because I want to and be still because I am ready to allow my soul to expand instead of moving out of obligation and being still because I am holding my soul at bay?

I hope so.  I hope I can find a way to being that balances pleasure and pain.  I want to find ways to move out of the cycles of disapproval and rejection to reject the myth that says that someone else knows better than I do how I should be.  I even want to move beyond believing that I know how I should be or even that I know how to get where I want to be.  I want to stop being so afraid of being lost and instead have the strength to look at where I actually am.  I want to know the relief of being who I am without any apology.  I want to be unfettered to know joy." 

It's interesting to me that becoming a parent has actually help me achieve some of what I was hoping for in this journal entry.  I think that parenting is a form of self expression.  I've heard people say that having a child means that part of your heart is walking around in the world.  I thought when I first heard it that this was overly sentimental, but I realize now that in some ways it's true.  Also,  I think that being a parent has helped me accept myself and learn to deal with my emotions in the following ways:

• It helps me smile every day.  Kids are cute.  They do funny stuff.  It's not hard to smile at them even when  they are exasperating.  Which they are so...
• Learning to deal with anger is an ongoing project.  Has a child ever looked you in the eye, picked a piece of food off of his high chair tray and flung it toward the corner of the room?  Lenny went through a phase where he did this at least once a day.  This is when I learned that it's possible to actually shake with anger.
• Helping little people deal with their emotions has helped me be more accepting of my own.  When I want to insist that my children STOP CRYING I don't because I want them to learn healthy ways to calm themselves.  Helping them through the process gives me more confidence in my own abilities.
• Knowing that I chose to be a parent - even though I didn't really know what I was getting in to - helps me embrace the challenges.
• Carrying on in the face of crazy and overwhelming times has helped me learn to find peace in the midst of chaos.
• Spending my days with my little ones involves actually building, destroying, dancing and exploring the world.
• Celebrating my children's growth and achievements has helped me realize that life is a process.  I feel more confident that I can trust it to produce growth in my life also.
• My children are beautiful and amazing.  Since they came from me looking at them makes it easier for me to believe there must be something lovely about me also.

I'm pretty sure that having children is not the only way to learn these lessons.  I think that being part of a community, doing fun, creative and amazingly difficult tasks can probably help anyone through this process.  For me, that happens to involve being a parent.  I hope that each of my readers, whatever your path, can be immersed life and learn to know joy.

How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness: Listening

 
I've been mentally trying to compose this post since I promised to write it a few days ago and again, I've realized that it's a huge topic.  The question of who these moms with chronic illness (MWCI) are should be addressed at least briefly.  And then I found myself constantly wanting to explain some of the realities of life with chronic illness to my imaginary audience as I juggled pieces of the post. (While trying to deal with the craziness of a sick baby, a sick self and a sick husband.  I guess my brain uses this as a kind of escape valve?)

So, I'm going to start by focusing this post on the best ways to listen to a MWCI because this is a HUGE way that anyone, mom or not, can bless her.  Also because it's not as easy as it sounds to begin with.  I have encountered listeners with a variety of skills and abilities over the years and I realize now I've been keeping a mental catalog of  what the most effective ones have done best.  Listening involves a response, and that's where it gets tricky.

On the point of who MWCI are, I will say that I am most familiar with the circumstances of moms with a variety of "invisible illnesses" such as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, migraines, and depression.  Other than fibro I have experienced all of these personally.  I think that what I am going to share could apply to a wider range of illnesses, though.  Mostly those that have fatigue as one of the major aspects - thyroid problem, heart conditions, digestive disorders, autoimmune conditions and arthritis are a few that come to mind.

All right.  Tips for listening to a MWCI:

Believe her.  This may seem obvious, but it doesn't always happen.  Some of these illnesses are not well understood by the mainstream medical community.  Chances are we have been to several doctors and gotten very little help or information.  Chances are that we have talked to a few doctors who looked at our "normal" test results and cast doubt on the reality of our struggle.  Also, over time we may become champs at putting on a happy face and playing the role of a "normal" healthy person.  So it may be natural for people to be surprised when we share the extent of our struggles.  But we are often very sensitive to any suggestion that what we are saying is exaggerated or untrue.  Even if you are meaning to encourage your friend by telling her that the situation may not be as bad as she thinks the words can sting.  She may feel that you are implying that she doesn't know the reality of her own life or that she's trying to get attention.

I don't want to scare anyone off at the beginning, but sometimes us MWCI have some burns on our psychological skin and need some tender care to help heal them.  Treating the information we share with respect - believing us, asking open-ended questions that allow you to understand the situation better, taking time to listen carefully and clarify if needed - these can all be helpful.  You may want to make a statement like "I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  I'd like to understand better." It may help clarify that you do truly believe but would like to know more.

Remember that she has lots to share besides her experience with illness.  Sometimes the illnesses we deal with have a profound impact on how we live our daily lives.  We may feel that up front we need to share some of these to be understood and "known."  Or we may prefer to get to know someone by sharing other information first and feeling safer in the relationship before we get to the health related stuff.  Possibly you've known this person for a while and are just now learning of her health struggles.  I wish I could give you a formula for when and how much a friend may want to talk about her situation, but it's different for each person.  The key is to be sensitive to the need to talk about other topics - both to relieve the pressure of personal revelation and to give her the gift of a balanced relationship.

Because:  MWCI need friends.  Some may start their health journey with a wide range of social contacts but I find that these illnesses are often isolating.  We are no longer able to join fully in the social scene we once enjoyed.  We may make plans but find we have to cancel.  We find people drawing away from us because they are uncomfortable with the illness or because they don't know how to fit in to the new reality.  We often don't know how to help others fit into either, but we need your friendship so much.  It most likely will need to be a process of trial and error, with much discussion, to find out what will work best.  Adjustments may need to be made in terms of how often, or for how long you spend time together.  Places or ways to communicate may need to be flexible.  Options that have been helpful for me have included:

• Keeping in touch on the internet (this link deals with how people with chronic illness often keep in touch with each other online, but I've also found it helpful for keeping in touch with healthy family members and friends) or by phone.
• Meeting at public locations like church, the library, the mall, restaurants, or outside places like a park.
• Visiting at my house or theirs.

Speaking of church, if you share the faith of your friend with chronic illness please be aware that MWCI have a variety of experiences with their faith.  I think this falls into the "listening" category because it's a topic that may come up in discussions.  My experience with this is pretty much exclusively with Evangelical Christianity, so I'll share what I know about that.  Some find that the promises of  Scripture are comforting and encouraging and are able to cling to them through the "valleys" of poor health.  Others (me included) struggle to understand how this time of struggle fits with a loving, compassionate God.  Sometimes the weight of unanswered prayer can make it hard for us to approach the Father with our needs and concerns.  It can be very hard for MWCI do deal with with statements that imply that if they had more faith or prayed more their situation would be better.  Some have found the assurance that "God does not give us more than we can handle" comforting, but personally I find it to be unsupported in Scripture and a false expectation.  If you discuss matters of faith with your friend you may find that the ideas that are comforting to you fall short for them.  People who have been able to treat this situation with a gentle respect have been a big blessing to me.

It's good to remember that MWCI have usually done a lot of research about their specific condition.  She is probably not sharing with you because she hopes you will be able to provide her with that key piece of information - about a treatment or a diet change - that will put her on the path to health.  We can get a lot of suggestions, even if each person we talk to only gives a few.  We sometimes get a little frustrated by this.

It's helpful to keep the channels of communication open regarding health matters.  Chronic illnesses are not static.  Symptoms may wax and wane, or even go into "remission."   Your friend may not mention her health issues for a while.  It may be encouraging to her to let her know that you are still aware of her situation by asking from time to time how it's going.  Asking when you have the time to listen to the details and offer sympathy and support will let her know that you are genuinely plugged in.

Chances are your friend would like to reciprocate the blessing of being a good listening partner.  You may feel that you don't want to burden your friend with your struggles, but healthy relationships involve give and take.  Some times may work better than others, though, depending on what your friend is dealing with at the moment.  Also, she will likely want to celebrate your joys with you, even if they are blessings she has not experienced lately.

Well, that's about what I've got for communication.  Some time in the near future I will share some ideas about more hands on ways you can help a MWCI.  If you have any resources or relevant sites you would like to share please feel free to leave the links in the comments section.

The Myth of the Proverbs 31 Mom

I'm planning to write a post called "How to Bless a Mom with Chronic Illness."  I'm eminently qualified to write it and I have lots of positive suggestions (and a few warnings, it's true.)  But first, I am going to respond to this blog post, which I read yesterday because another mom with a chronic illness pointed it out and shared her response to it.  Several other mom's chimed in, mostly with illnesses also or with children with special needs.  I chimed in too - three times in a row.  Then I tried to leave a comment on the website.  But in spite of trying to stay very polite (while staying within the 500 character limit) my comment has now been forever lost in "moderation."

That's all right.  The more I thought about this post the more I thought that although moms with chronic illnesses (MWCI) have a special reason to have a beef with her suggestions this author is just generally so far off in her idea of what an "ideal" woman should be and in her approach to "encouraging" other women to live up to the ideal.  I considered just letting it go.  She and I will most likely never agree on any number of topics even though we both "say" we are Christians.  That's allowed.  I don't have to refute every line of reasoning I disagree with on the internet.  And I sure don't need to try to pick fights with other bloggers.

But I could never seriously consider not writing about this because it's such an important issue.  Because as moms we carry around this enormous weight of our own and other people's expectations of us.  Because sometimes this steals the joy of the beautiful moments.  Because I absolutely do not believe that the Bible teaches that we should operate this way or that God would be pleased to see us doing it.

Well, you can read the blog yourself, so I'll try not to spend too much time telling you what it says. I felt that the post started pretty well, actually.  The question of how much of our personal struggles and failings we need to share online is open for discussion, in my opinion.  Although I have already blogged about the benefits of being able to admit to having a really bad day I can also see the advantages of balancing our admissions of less-than-perfect-contentment with reminders (if only for our own encouragement) that some moments are beautiful and sweet.  Sometimes I feel that moms who are getting a good response to the humor of the icky moments leave out the balancing moments and are being entertaining rather than "real."  Some people aren't into that.  That's fair.

On the point of whether or not efficient, energetic moms who keep their houses clean and cook wholesome delicious meals for their families are "real" moms I think that the key is to remember that in this case "real" is being used to mean "genuine."  I know some of these moms IRL.  I've been in their homes and had a cup of tea with them.  I love them.  I love the serenity of their homes and the fact that they take time out to visit with me.  I love it when they let me rest in their homes while they move on to the next task.  I even love it when they are embarrassed that their kids didn't put their dirty clothes in the basket or when they can't help dropping the game they are playing with the kids and starting to organize the toys.  I especially love those moments because those are the times when they are being "real."  When I see that the "got-it-all-together" mom is doing life in the way that makes most sense and feels most comfortable to her and that she still struggles.  These moms have been such a big blessing to me that I almost just rolled this right into the "How to Bless" post.

If only she had left it at that.  But then she decides to apply Biblical "wisdom" in order to "encourage" her readers.  (It's in the comments.  She actually says she wants to encourage people.)  And here comes the Proverbs 31 woman.  Because figures in Wisdom Literature are clearly "real life" individuals who we should try to model our lives after if we "say" we are Christians. (Quote from the post:  "Many of you readers say you are Christians.")

In her defense she does identify characteristics of the Proverbs 31 woman that every human being can/should aspire to.  We could probably all stand to be more "Diligent, Kind, Meticulous, Caring, Trustworthy, Dependable, Frugal" and "Wise."  And we might even be happier moms with more cooperative kids and less chaos in our lives if we did.

But then it really comes down to the brass tacks.  What she doesn't like about these flagrantly authentic moms is that they "pout all day and claim that we can’t get our housework done and take care of our kids."  Clearly the Proverbs 31 mom would never do that.  She got up early, made meals for her kids and dressed in beautiful fabrics.  In fact, she looks almost exactly like the mom in this post.  Trust me, you would never find these ladies in their jammies at 4 p.m. "cuddling" on their beds with their kids and trying to write a blog post.  (Actually I'm not really sure when the Proverbs 31 mom wrote her blog posts, but I'm sure she had a designated time after the dishes were done and she had taken time for a hot chocolate date with her husband.  Yes, I'm getting snarky.  Yes, I stalked the website a little.)

The bottom line is that the Proverbs 31 woman does not now and never did in the past actually exist. Wisdom literature.  Proverbs creates "individuals" with characteristics that "wise" people can aspire to.  It's not modeled after some famous woman of olden times who practiced management, agriculture, real estate, international trade.... all while running a ship-shape house and cooking nutritious meals.  It's an illustration.  A tool.  And focusing on the characteristics her actions display might suggest that the same characteristics could have different manifestations for different people.  Requiring someone to take regular showers in order to prove that they are caring just doesn't add up in my book.  (Actually the fact that I sometimes manage to display kindness to others in the relative absence of hot showers is pretty amazing to me.)

If you really wanted to compare the life of a virtuous Old Testament wife to a modern one you would need to consider the fact that she lived in very different social circumstances than moms who generally have access to blogs.  She probably lived with extended family and got lots of help with the kids.  She didn't have to decide what food to make - she prepared what was available.  No one ever told her that her marriage was supposed to be emotionally fulfilling.  Maybe the chick was just a lot less tired and stressed than most moms these days.  BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.  I'll yell again:  I HAVE DIGRESSED.

The point is that sharing the unlovely and frustrating parts of being a parent does not mean that a person is less spiritual.  I would claim that it's a matter of opinion whether this says anything at all about whether they are exhibiting the characteristics displayed in the passage in their everyday lives.  But whether or not any parent keeps their house clean and cooks nutritious meals from scratch for their families?  Using this passage to try to enforce that kind of lifestyle does violence to the passage and is abusive to the people who read it.  Proverbs 31 paints a picture of someone with a full and rich life.  We can all aspire to being as productive and plugged in to our communities as the subject is.  But if we are not - by our own choice or because of the circumstances of our lives - we are not not notnotnotnotnotnot failing IN ANY WAY.

I could dissect the issues with using the Proverbs 31 woman to browbeat tired or discouraged or frustrated moms all day.  But the question is, what did the author of the post expect the reader to take away from her "devotional"?  Here it is, in her own words.  And this is why I could not just let this go:

"I so desire for all of us moms to make the most of this short-time on Earth we call life. We only get to be moms once, and if we mess up, there is no turning back.
I encourage you to read Proverbs 31 and see what a “real Mom” should be."

 Dear, dear friends.  I also hope that you get the most out of life.  Absolutely.  So don't listen to anyone who tells you that parenting is done in one broad stroke and can be messed up irrevocably.  It's just not true.  In my series about being an MK I probably should have pointed out that my parents made changes my senior year in high school so that I wouldn't have to be in the dorm.  They realized that the situation had not been working for me.  They apologized.  They made changes.  They handled the situation differently with my youngest brother than they had with me.  It is possible to turn back.  (Don't want to say they "messed up" but this is a beautiful example of doing it differently when you don't like the way it's going.)

If you want to read Proverbs 31 you should definitely go for it.  But don't feel bad if you decide not to buy a field or plant a vineyard (oh wait, this author doesn't say we need to follow that part of the "instructions.")  I have been following a group of moms online for a while that I find very encouraging.  This is not a "Christian" group, but I love their take on accepting and supporting each other as mothers.  Today is a special day to honor just that goal.  I believe that the Savior who called the short tax collector from a tree and who let the "unclean" prostitute wash his feet would have taken this approach to parenting.  I can just picture him walking into my cluttered living room, somehow finding a spot on the crumb covered carpet, plopping down and having a snuggle with my grouchy, snot filled baby while working on a puzzle with the five-year-old.  That's not in the Bible either, by the way.  I just love the image.

So we can all relax.  This is not The Velveteen Rabbit.  We do not start with bodies full of sawdust and hope that the kisses and traumas of parenting will rub off the shine and leave us with hearts that beat and noses that twitch.  We are all real.  If one mommy's way of keeping her kids safe and fed and tanked up with love includes taking time out to appreciate the humor of the chaotic process, fine.  If another keeps a strict schedule and manages to home school six kids while keeping up with the ironing, fine.  Lets rejoice together and walk beside each other through the hard times and never ever let a Bible passage intended to encourage be used to heap burdens on us.