How to Be a Human Being on the Internet (Does Anyone Know?)

I started this blog about six weeks ago.  I'd been thinking about it for a while.  I'd read a blog and think "I could do something like that."  Or I'd get all fired up about a topic, read good blogs on the issue and want to type up my own response.  But I didn't want my family blog getting much traffic from people we don't actually know.  And that sort of seems like the point of writing about topics and issues, right?  Having people read it?

Well it turns out one can scare up quite a few blog views by posting a few links in other, much more popular, blogger's comments sections.  Then if something you write resonates with another blogger and they share it around?  Also lots of hits.  Pinterest can be helpful too, but I think I'm not doing it right because I haven't gotten as many from that.  Which is sort of the point, right?  Doing it right?  Now there is suddenly a wrong way for me to do the internet?  Or to do blogging?  This started as an interesting experiment.  Suddenly I'm reading Twitter feeds hosted by a website dedicated to helping bloggers "do it better" (read make more money) and wondering if I should be putting ads on my site or trying to join more group boards on Pinterest.

All of that can get a little stressful.  Also it starts to feel a little forced.  Once in a while they mention having good content, or enjoying what you do, but it kind of feels like an afterthought.  I mean "you should enjoy what you do, but don't forget to check out this great site that allows you to edit pictures and create awesome graphics and if you subscribe please follow this link because I will get a commission."  Just paraphrasing.  I'll spare you the link.

But maybe it's because February was brutal and March is shaping up to be exhausting and terrible, but I've been obsessing about stats.  I'm trying not to totally abandon my family, but I feel the need to escape so strongly that I grasp on to the task of finding a few small ways to promote the blog each day as a way to exist - somewhere else.  And I'm still trying to figure out how to balance saying stuff that is meaningful to me with saying stuff people will find interesting while still maintaining healthy boundaries in terms of what I reveal about myself online.  Also, it seems important to treat other people well and I'm not always sure how to do that.

I agonized (a little) over my post about the Proverbs 31 mom because I felt bad about criticizing the woman who wrote the post.  But I also feel that women need to hear that there's more than one way to be a good mom and that the Bible isn't in the business of heaping burdens on us. I posted this piece on not thinking that we're doing something wrong just because times are hard as a kind of balance - just my perspective without needing to contradict someone.  But even then, the people I described in the post are real and could, in theory, read it and recognize themselves.

Because so far I have ended up writing about subjects I feel passionate about and revealing more about myself than I had anticipated when I started this blog.  I've had lots of positive responses, but it makes me kind of nervous.  I can really relate to this post by another blogger who's been blogging about her spiritual journey and feeling anxious about the repercussions. 

I joke about blogging being cheaper than therapy, but I don't want to end up in therapy because I blogged about something sensitive and ended up getting hurt.  I'm thinking about this because I've been following a blogger who recently wrote an article that got a lot of attention about sexual violence at the college she went to.  Later she shared on Twitter that the responses had been very hard for her to handle.  And I've been reading other posts about sexual abuse in religious settings and although I can see how it's so important to get the word out I keep thinking "Is this kind of vulnerability good for people who have been traumatize so much to begin with?"  (For a great summary of some of the stories I've been following check out this post, which also suggests a way we can help prevent these tragedies in the future.)

Thankfully I don't have that kind of "capital T trauma" to write about from personal experience. Although I haven't always had the most conventional life and I have had a few heartbreaks along the way, I have, in many ways, led a charmed and sheltered life.  I mean, when I say that February was brutal and March has been terrible I mean "lots of snow and cold weather and colds we can't shake and not getting enough sleep."  Not "civil war is tearing my country apart and we had to flee the only home my children have ever known in hopes of finding enough food to eat and a place where we won't get bombed" kind of terrible.

But it's my life and they're my struggles and heartbreaks and joys and it's what I know and seem inclined to write about.  I'm just not totally sure how much to share or in what context or..... what.  So may post a few recipes and some attempts to be funny and just give it some more thought.  Or I may seize on some idea or issue or experience I feel passionate about and throw it out there for the world to see.  Time will tell.  I'm still trying to figure out how to be a human being on the internet. 

I Am Not Doing Something Wrong

Some times the words we need to hear just fall out of our own mouths.  This has happened to me at least once and when it did it was so powerful that years later the words still echo in my mind.  Maybe these words are some that you need to hear to as we inch toward the end of a long, grueling winter.

I had a little help, actually.  I was sitting in my counselors office.  I was telling him about my relationship with a couple of ladies from church.  I was struggling with these relationships because I needed them so much.  My health was not good and I was particularly isolated.  These ladies were eager to help me.  They wanted me to come to one of their homes and they wanted to pray for me.  I had tried to tell them that I got sicker when I went to that home.  I had tried to tell them that praying was hard and emotionally draining for me because it seemed to me that God's answer was "not yet" (or maybe never in this lifetime) and that was heartbreaking for me.  But these messages were just not getting through.  I thought that maybe I wasn't very good at communicating.  It's not very logical, I guess, but when people don't get my point I tend to assume it's my fault rather than thinking maybe they just aren't listening.

So my counselor, who understood what I was saying very well, asked me this good question:  "If you could tell them one thing, what would it be?" 

And I answered instinctively, without thinking too much (for once), "Just because I'm having a hard time does not mean that I'm doing something wrong."

Just that.  Just because I am having a hard time does not mean you need to solve my problem.  Just because I'm having a hard time does not mean that I need to solve my problem.  Maybe I don't need to change anything I'm doing.  Maybe it's just a hard time.  Maybe what I need is for you to be with me in the hard time so that I am not struggling alone.

Now I get it.  Sometimes we are the authors of our own suffering.  Sometimes we reap what we sow.  And sometimes even if we didn't cause the situation that's making us suffer we can find ways to get through it better.  And sometimes other people can help us do it.

But sometimes not.  Sometimes we are not responsible for our suffering.  And sometimes we are suffering the very best way we can.  Sometimes we need friends who can be with us in the situation.  friends who can wish that our situation were easier while still accepting us.  Friends who know that we are not doing anything wrong.

And sometimes these are "big ticket" items, but most often they are the "everyday" situations that drag us down and can leave us feeling defeated and alone.

So I will write these words for you and also as a reminder for myself:

• If you are in a job that you don't enjoy and are having a hard time getting up in the morning and facing another day with those co-workers... ...it does not mean that you are doing something wrong.
• If you're sweet, funny, smart kids are just about to drive you crazy most of the time, most days....  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If your health has crashed and you can't figure out why or how to fix it...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If your marriage is in a tough place and you are struggling to feel happy and communicate with your spouse...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If depression has settled around you and you can't remember how to smile...  ...you are not doing something wrong.
• If winter keeps pounding you and you've had one cold after another and you are physically and mentally drained... ...you are not doing something wrong.

I'm not a "little orphan Annie" type of optimist.  I'm not going to claim that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I don't know when the sun will come out, although I have found that it usually does eventually.  All I'm saying is that for now, while we're going through those hard times, we don't need to beat ourselves up by trying to figure out how we're messing up.  And when we walk beside a friend who's in a hard time we don't need to try to figure out how to solve the problem.  Most likely we just need to be with them and let them know that they don't have to make it through alone.  It may feel scary to let go of the instinct to try to control and fix the situation.  But it can be a very powerful gift.  To give and receive the grace of knowing that just because you are having a hard time, it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong.